My Spiritual Quest

Continuing on a Wordpress Format.

2007-01-29T19:20:00.000-08:00

I have long maintained my daily blog on my own server using Wordpress software and have always liked the options offered.

For that reason, I've decided to move this blog to the Wordpress servers. I apologize for the inconvenience, if you've had me bookmarked. My new address is:

http://livingquest.wordpress.com/

Many thanks.

Music to Relax.

2007-01-20T01:14:00.000-08:00

Time. The Loss of it.

2006-11-20T23:22:00.000-08:00

I've found myself, lately, grieving the loss of time. There just never seems to be enough of it.

The lines seem longer at the post office these days, people seem to have more questions about the forms they have to fill out, the supermarket never has enough checkers, people seem to have lost the ability to drive anywhere near the speed limit. All of that in conjunction with the longer and longer mental to-do list that I carry around with me. I contain my impatience, always, because I remind myself that God put all these people on this Earth, too. Not just me.

Then I remind myself that, not only am I supposed to trust that God will provide a job, housing, love and all the necessities of life, but he'll also provide me with the time I need to get things done.

Trust God in ALL things, not just this and that.

One of the Best Devotion Sources...

2006-11-01T23:27:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share with you one of the things I really enjoy and look forward to.

There is a Pastor who lives in Texas, Pastor Kerry. He puts out a daily devotion to an e-mail list. I subscribe to three e-mail devotion lists, actually, and his is one that I find to be particularly enjoyable, uplifting and I learn from each one. A little treat first thing in the morning.

You can see his archives here or subscribe to his e-mail devotions here.

Since it's my birthday today, I thought I'd share one of my gifts with you. :)

Be a Blessing.

2006-08-06T09:07:00.000-07:00

"Lord, please let me be a blessing to someone today." I pray that prayer nearly every morning, and have prayed that prayer for the past few years. Ever since I read it in one of Jan Karon's books about Father Tim and his wife, Cynthia.

The prayer serves as a reminder to me that I'm not just here for myself. It's also a simple way of asking for so much... to help me see beyond the emotions people cast forth to their real needs. To also help step beyond my sometimes knee-jerk reaction of "that's not my job" and help people, if I am able... maybe even step beyond my comfort zone. Or to realize when someone just wants a sounding board, someone to listen.

God wants us to serve each other. I'm trying to learn how. Sometimes I do okay, other times I find that I still need to learn more.

Beautiful...

2006-06-17T22:56:00.000-07:00

"Who are you?" I had followed the man and his son out of the local health store. He had glanced at me as he opened the door to his SUV for his son, then turned again, looked me right in the eyes and asked that question.

"Pardon me?" I rasped out. I'm presently experiencing a pretty nasty allergy attack, complete with a loss of voice, clogged ears and a red eye. I wasn't sure if he'd said who or how.

"Who are you?" He repeated. "You're absolutely beautiful." He stated the last part emphatically.

Who am I? I'm beautiful? I didn't feel beautiful. I felt old, tired, bloated, beaten up by a body too soon turned into that of an old woman. Do you know, I had just spent the last half hour in a health store looking for some magical concoction that would pull the crud out of my ears and sinuses so that I could, at the very minimum, function at a normal level? That I remember my grandma putting stuff in her ears to pull wax out and that I, now, at age 35 am actually thinking to myself that maybe my grandma had some pretty good ideas and just how old that really makes me feel?

"I'm just... me. Thank you." I replied in my hoarse, raspy voice. I continued walking to my car. I could feel him watching me as I left. I don't know what his intentions were, whether he was sincere or just ... whatever. It didn't seem like a cheap compliment, as if he were hitting on me. It felt as if he really had been caught off guard by seeing someone who he believed was genuinely beautiful.

Whatever it was, it hit at a point when I needed a tiny boost to get through the day. And I'll take it as a little boost from God. He does that, you know. Gives you little boosts through other people when you need them the most. Even from complete strangers, sometimes.

Watch for Him.

Resting Easy.

2006-05-16T23:53:00.000-07:00

You would think that no posts on my spiritual blog would mean that I'm going through a dry spell. I'm here to tell you that's not the case at all.

I'm actually resting easy in the Lord's care these days. After the tumultuous past few years, where I've felt as if I've been forgotten in the washing machine on the spin cycle and, when finally remembered, left out to dry in rainy weather, things have actually settled down for the moment. I'm so grateful for that, I send up thanks to God for every single second that I have peace.

I've been reading a small devotion book entitled Footprints, written by Margaret Fishback Powers, who is actually the person who wrote the beautiful, famous poem by the same name back in 1964. This book goes more in depth with Bible verses to reflect upon. It has also been a blessing to me.

So that's where I've been... at peace. It's a good place to be. I pray that it will continue to be so, at least for the next moment or two. :)

Witness Through Trials.

2006-03-12T12:35:00.000-08:00

The line was long and didn't seem to move. I looked toward the front and didn't see any unusual hold up, I guess the door must have been delayed in opening. That's okay, it gave me a moment to reflect on the service.

I had lain in bed this morning after my husband left for his church and thought I'd just take the easy way today and go to church online. I had been up until 2:30 in the morning. Sometimes I can't sleep because my body betrays me with endometriosis pain. Other times I don't want to sleep because I feel "normal" and I want to embrace every moment of normalcy. Last night was the latter and I was grateful.

As I laid there, reveling in the feel of the sheets against me, nice and warm from a few hours of blessed sleep, something called me to get out of bed. "If you get up, you can still make it to church by 8:45 AM, enough time to get a decent seat." This church is so huge, the sanctuary fills up quickly if I don't get there by 8:30 AM. I looked at the clock, 8:11. "Every moment you wait, less of a chance to go." Filled with purpose, I got up, dressed and left within 20 minutes. As I shut the door behind me I prayed, "Lord, please, let me be a blessing to someone there today."

I couldn't get to church quick enough, I felt such a sense of inexplicable urgency. Impatient with the stop lights along the way, pulling into the parking lot, finding a spot and walking quickly inside, I spotted a seat in the third row. The lady next to the empty seat I spotted patted the seat and welcomed me by saying, "This seat isn't taken, sit here!" We started talking and I learned that she was recently divorced after 23 years. She inquired as to my status and I shared I was recently married. She said, "Oh..." and uncomfortably withdrew into herself, obviously not wanting to mar my happiness as a newlywed with her sadness. "It's okay. I understand. I'm previously divorced myself from a mentally abusive man. But the road of healing with God at the helm has enabled me to love again, and my husband now is helping me heal even more. The healing never stops." Again, she replied, "Oh..." only this time she reached out her hand and began to share her story, her faith, her love for the God who was helping her through it. In some ways, her story was eerily similar to mine, similar to every person who goes through a divorce. A divorce bears no winners, only survivors.

The line started moving again. I got midway to the door and noticed the lady who sang the final song of the service was standing there greeting people as they left. "How odd." I thought. Then I noticed a man standing on the other side of the aisle, actually two men. The one man was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a blue one, remarkably like the one the Senior Pastor had been wearing during the... dude! That is the Senior Pastor, Rick Warren. And he's shaking people's hands as they leave.

I thought about walking past him, not wanting to hold up the line, but he reached out his hand to me. As I shook his hand, the words came to me courtesy something my mom had told me. "Hi Rick. I just wanted to tell you what a blessing this church is and that the services are offered online. My mom lives in South Korea and watches them online. She told me that she wished there were a way she could tell you how proud she is of you that you've lost so much weight recently. So, I'm taking this opportunity to tell you that." He shyly ducked his head and said, "Awww, thanks." I continued, "Your weight loss is actually an incredible witness to others, not only here in the U.S. but also to foreigners."

I could tell I had lost his attention at that point, he was already looking to the next person, so I moved on. Maybe he heard me. Maybe not. Maybe he took the encouragement I had meant to share, that's really all I wanted, was to encourage him. I know weight is a battle that many people struggle with. For someone as visible as he is to fight the battle and win is not only a witness to people who struggle with the same battle, but also to those in foreign lands who look at overweight Americans with disdain.

It is a realization that we can witness with our words or we can take our belief into our bodies and witness through what we do. Every struggle we face can be a witness to others. Not necessarily the struggle itself, we all have struggles, but how we handle them. Do we dwell in bitterness, anger and the unfairness of it all or do we ultimately turn to God?

I just realized something. By my attempts to be a blessing to someone else, I ended up feeling blessed. Hrm.

The Supply Room.

2006-03-02T21:06:00.000-08:00

At my job there is a room where all the supplies are kept. Anything I would need to get through my day is in there. From the most minute things, such as paperclips to larger items, such as desk sorters and everything in between, such as post-its, pens, paper pads, company brochures, etc. If I can't find what I need, there sits an office supply catalog and an order sheet.

Sometimes I'll go in there even if I don't need anything, just to take an inventory in case I need something in the future. It's a peaceful room and it smells nice, like paper and new things. A good place to duck into for a moment or two to regroup.

It may seem odd to compare that supply room with someone so omnipotent as God, but God is all those things to me. From the big to the small and everything in between, he has all I need, even a peaceful spot to rest in when I need Him.

Remember my prayer for the last couple months?

Did you catch my mention that I got a job?

Life Balance.

2006-02-14T00:08:00.000-08:00

I was watching the Oprah show the other day. Faith Hill and Tim McGraw were her featured guests. I knew it would be a good show. I saw Faith and Tim in concert about 6 years ago (October 7, 2000 -- Ha! I still know the date), and I remember spending the entire time they performed together that night with goosebumps on my arms and back. Simply because the love they have for each other is palpable and it comes through in everything they do.

It was the same on the Oprah show, or maybe it has even grown? Their body language was masterful, always leaning toward the other. Listening for words not spoken. Constantly being in touch with each other, a hand on the knee here, a touch to the arm there. A smile, a look, a twinkle in the eye. The laughter was non-stop. Yet, there were times when either Faith or Tim would start to speak and then stop to let the other talk, respectful that it was his story or her story. It seemed they were hearing a language that was all their own. People say "communication" is the key to a successful marriage but miss realizing that communication goes far deeper than just words.

Seeing Tim and Faith together like that made me think about marriage. And, marriage always makes me think about my relationship with God. How often do I take the time to get to know Him, so that I can innately hear what He is telling me. How often do I get focused on what God is doing for me instead of focusing on God himself. Doesn't it make sense that the more I know God, the better I'll be able to understand him? Like being in tune to His body language.

I got a new job. I start this Friday. On their list of goals for their employees is "life balance". All the employees I've spoken to during my interviews have said that means the company wants them to be excited to come to work but also to be excited to go home. I know that one of the executives I'll be supporting works with his church youth group. I'm hoping that this job is God's answer to my prayers -- it seems like it is the way things are falling together it makes me believe that it can only be something that God is putting together.

One of the key things for me that Faith and Tim said on the Oprah show was, "It really is all about God, it's about family and it's about hard work." It's not a new statement, I've heard it before, I've even written it before. But, really, in precisely that order -- God, family and work -- I so badly want that to be my new going forward mode of operation.

Fish Community.

2006-01-30T00:17:00.000-08:00

I have a tank of fish. Actually, two tanks of fish, right now. They call them mouthbrooders, which means that when they spawn, the female holds and tumbles the fertilized eggs in her modified throat pouch, which expands to protect the eggs until they are free swimming babies (also referred to as "fry").

I have watched their mating rituals, their pregnancy cycles ("holding"), their birthing cycle and their growing cycle. The cycle of life.

This is the first time I've done something to help protect their birthing cycle, as the other fish in the tank would feed off the babies if left unprotected. We moved two of the "holding" females into a birthing tank. While the females are holding, they fast. They eat nothing for nearly a month. She sometimes will even expand her gills, which make them appear to be inflamed and swollen, to make more room for her babies.

It seemed the first due female was holding onto her fry extra long, sacrificing her comfort and her nutrition for them. Today, however, she birthed her babies.

The fry are so small, it's hard to believe that something that small is a living being in God's kingdom. The babies behaviour is so very like we are with our heavenly father. The clamor to get outside of her mouth, outside of the protection. They bounce around on the bottom of the tank, following their momma around, but never quite strong enough to get up to her level, to get back in her mouth when something (likely me feeding them) scares them.

Yet, the good momma that she is, she recognizes their fear and goes down, swooping them up in her mouth, holding them, coddling them until they feel safe again. Safe enough to go face their big, scary world. Their world that is a five gallon tank. Yet how huge that must seem to them.

Isn't that the way we are? Strong enough to go through the day on our own, yet when something goes bump in the night, we clamor to God. We can't get up to His level on our own, we need His comfort, His love, His hands, to hold us and coddle us. We need His protection. The very thing that is scaring us is likely the one thing we need the most. We can't see that, though. All we see is our little five gallon tank of life.

God asks us to trust him. Because he can see the five gallon tank, what's outside of that tank and even beyond our tank. He knows what new fish will be put in our tank, he knows when the rocks will be moved around and the adjustments we'll need to make. He knows when our feeding time and growth time will occur. He even knows when we'll be moved out of our little tank into a bigger, growing tank.

My fish trust me, although, perhaps they shouldn't because I don't know what I'm doing. So why do I have such a hard time trusting God, when he knows precisely what He's doing?

Forgiveness.

2006-01-16T21:22:00.000-08:00

I wonder how many of us have ever really thought about what forgiveness entails. My church recently, as part of a four part series, did a message about forgiveness. The message started off with a five question quiz.

Each question is either true or false:

1. A person should not be forgiven until he asks for it.

T or F

2. Forgiving includes minimizing the offense and the pain caused.

T or F

3. Forgiveness includes restoring trust and reuniting a relationship.

T or F

4. You haven't really forgiven until you've forgotten the offense.

T or F

5. When I see someone hurt, it is my duty to forgive the offender.

T or F

As a highlight of the service, Steve Saint (son of Nate Saint) and Mincaye (tribe member) were speaking. Mission Aviation Fellowship had also allowed them to bring along what had been salvaged of Steve's dad's airplane. It was 50 years ago this month that Steve Saint learned his dad wouldn't be coming home again. The new movie, End of the Spear is scheduled to be released later this month. (Pictures from the service...)

I've tried to digest what the service meant to me. It was so powerful and so real, to see Steve and Mincaye standing side-by-side and to realize that Mincaye's hands, that were so lovingly reaching out to Steve were the very hands that shed his father's blood. Yet, there he stood, in front of thousands of "foreigners" giving his testimony, in his native language, when 50 years ago he was spearing someone to death. Forgiven. He was forgiven. His smile and joy in life attested to that.

Mincaye was asked to say a prayer, which he did in his native language, with Steve Saint providing translation. Instead of closing my eyes, I watched him. His voice was kind of nasally, perhaps because the language he speaks requires lots of nasal tones. His eyes were scrunched closed, as tight as they could be. His face spoke of his emotions toward his God, the God who guides him (and us) on our trails as we go to His place. His voice rose and fell with the emotions that he was feeling. His hands moved as he told God his words, conveying story through his movements. And as he prayed, it stripped all the rhetoric, wrapping and bows away and left his faith naked and bare. It was a prayer that anyone who has faith and love for our Creator could pray. It was, perhaps, the most real prayer I've ever heard. And I've heard a lot of prayers. It made me crave that in my relationship with God. It inspired me. It brought me to tears. It brought those around me to tears. It was real. We are forgiven.

If the link works, you can watch the service yourself. Form your own opinions.

Link

You can bet, I'll be at the movie theaters watching the movie, End of the Spear, when it comes out this Friday.

P.S. In case you were wondering, the answers to all of the questions in the quiz listed above are false.

Scattered to Focus.

2005-12-26T22:31:00.000-08:00

Again and again, I'm sometimes feeling like the rug is pulled out from under me.

Remember the post I did a few weeks ago where I was left believing that God has me in a waiting period, particularly with respect to my career? I was laid off at the end of November. The end of a chapter, for sure. On the way home, with the boxes of items I packed up my last day sitting in the car seat next to me, I pondered my career. Not from the standpoint of the work I did, but what I took away from each place I worked.

I thought back over my career and the things I've learned and the people I've met. I even met my husband at my most recent job.

I was also left realizing that, even though I'm in a strange spot right now, I have so much support and love from those very same friends that I have a realization of how we all need each other. None of us can go our life alone. We need people around us to love, support and help us share our burdens, to help strengthen us. That is how God made us. Every person needs a friend. Even Jesus had family and friends to help him, he didn't go it alone.

When I get scared, and I do get scared, I look at God's timing of every job that I've held. How at every turn He has provided for me to the comfort level I need to feel secure. He has always made sure that I feel safe. And I have faith that He will provide again.

This time, though, I'm praying that my next job will have a Christian boss. A boss who will have his/her priorities right, God, family and then work. This time, I'm praying for that. I've never prayed for that before.

God, family, work.

Wonderful Life.

2005-11-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

"You have two minutes! TWO MINUTES!"

My fingers are racing across the keyboard, pressing letters, creating words and paragraphs off of a tape he had just finished dictating. I press print, grab it off the printer and hand it to him for review. As I hand it to him, I swing around and grab a FedEx slip out of my forms tray and fill it out. He hands the document back to me with final revisions noted.

"You now have one minute and thirty seconds!" His fingers are tapping on my desk, his eyes turned toward the clock on the wall, counting down the time. I finish the changes and print the document on letterhead for his signature, handing it back to him. I run to the copy machine, make a copy, slip it in the envelope, run out the door and hand it to the FedEx guy just as he unlocks the metal box that has become the reason for my existence.

That was six and a half years ago. There were nights that I was at work until one thirty in the morning. The documents were so important, so urgent, so earth changing. Or so he believed.

A few months after that, the company closed. It didn't get the financing it needed for the IPO the partners wanted. All the documents and paperwork created by my stampeding fingers on a keyboard were boxed up for storage. Put away forever.

I moved on to another boss who was just like him. The importance, the urgency, the stress. That boss had his contract bought out by the parent company and six months ago, I was down in the storage room looking at all the boxes and boxes of paperwork we created, trying to figure out where they should go. The smell of the room tingled my senses as I looked around in this building that is, for the most part vacant, yet at one time hosted so many people you could hardly hear yourself on the phone.

Last night, me and my husband went to the dinner theater and saw "It's a Wonderful Life" acted out on stage. The story took us through the life of George, how he so badly wanted to travel, see the world, make a difference. Everyday, he faced what he seemed to believe was a life of disappointments, unachieved dreams. When, really, he was failing to see the difference he made in the lives of those around him every single day. The dreams he helped his neighbors achieve. How his relationships with the people he loved and cared about mattered. He wished that he had never been born without taking into account that if he had never been born, his brother wouldn't have lived past the age of 8 (George had pushed his brother out of way of a truck). That countless lives would have never been improved just for their knowing him and he them.

Life isn't about boxes, FedEx deadlines or urgent documents. It's about the moments we spend IN the moment. It's about taking time to laugh, to enjoy drawing breath and to hold close the ones you love. Just like those boxes down in the storeroom, when we're gone our stuff will just go in boxes.

It's the memories in the hearts of those who care about us that will live on.

Religious Superficiality. Core Beliefs Make the Cut.

2005-11-11T12:47:00.000-08:00

Having married a man who is a different religion than I am, I've been facing the question of how, exactly, does one become a Christian. I mean, he's always said he's a Christian. Indeed, there are times when he has more faith in God than I do. He is oftentimes giving me encouragement to leave things in God's hands. The hands that made the universe, they're big enough to hold my small, insignificant worries and problems.

But, back to the "how do you" question. I've always been told that to become a Christian, one needs to say the "Sinner's Prayer." Confess to God with a genuine heart that I'm a sinner, that I know he sent his son to die for my sins, for all of our sins, and to invite him into my heart, my life, as my King. Somewhere along the way, I also learned that one must also believe in the trinity, the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Those are the way to salvation.

So, I explore the ideas of Catholocism, as that is my husband's religion. I understand that Catholics believe in the Patron Saints, confessionals and pergatory. Those ideas seem a little strange to me but that's because it wasn't taught to me as I grew up. But, does their differing beliefs disqualify them as Christians?

Pergatory or no pergatory? I believe once we choose God we will be in Heaven, no pergatory detour. Further good works (or fruit) that we do will earn us crowns (not admission to Heaven), which we will ultimately give back to God in praise. Asking Saints and Priests to intercede on our behalf with the Heavenly Father? Well, as I understand it, it's kind of like being accountable to someone -- like (in simplified terms) when one is trying to lose weight they report in to their Weight Watcher's group. Sometimes it keeps us on track easier if we have a routine check up. Most Catholics I know also pray directly to the Father in their regular lives.

I don't mean to be disrespectful but, from a viewpoint of never having attending Catholic Mass until recently, mostly, what I see is that Catholics are like Christians only they have a bad case of OCD. It's all about routine and tradition, standing and kneeling, saying the roted words. What? You do have to admit that it is kind of funny if that's not what you're used to seeing. It's kind of like going to a revival where everyone is hooting and hollering about things in an incomprehensible language. Doesn't make it wrong, just makes it different. But, really, isn't everything just a little complex on both sides?

Isn't being a Christian as simple as saying to God "I will"? That's what the Bible says in Revelation 22:17, "And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely." Whosoever will. I will.

Kind of reminds me of a wedding vow. In my opinion, being a Christian is a choice, not a fancy prayer. Nor do I think there is the possibility of "accidentally becoming a Christian." It can't happen accidentally, it has to be a conscious choice. Just like getting married, it has to be a conscious choice. Usually, you don't just accidentally find yourself up at the altar marrying someone. Peer pressure be damned (gasp!), the choice has to come from within you.

The one thing that Jesus asked Peter was, "Do you love me?" Three times he asked Peter that. Isn't that what God wants from us, from his children? Isn't that why he created us? Could it be so simple? Love. We vow to love Him. We vow to put him first. We vow to include him in our life. Just like we do when we marry someone.

Accepting Him into our hearts and our lives -- bah, I don't know what that really means. Isn't that just silly Christian-speak that people have said because they don't know how else to say it? They've heard it so many times it must be right? Flipping over to Catholocism, pergatory, saints, praying for lost loves ones -- do I believe all that is necessary? Nah. I don't believe we need intercession from saints or priests, only from Jesus when he died on the cross. Nor do I believe we can lose our salvation once we make our choice. Once a person has made the choice to love God, I think God takes us into his capable hands and holds onto us. How could we possibly fall out of God's hands, hands that built the universe, once we choose to ask God to hold us?

Religions? I don't know about religions. Nor do I profess to understand everything about what will happen in the afterlife, such as what the book of Revelation discusses. Sometimes, beyond knowing that I'll be in Heaven with God after I die, I don't even really care. I'm not a professorial type, sorry to disappoint. All the detail listed in the Bible about judgments and what not, it just seems over my head. Does that make me bad? Ohhh, I can hear preachers everywhere rustling their Bibles. "You're not being a good witness, you need to be THIRSTY to know all you can about the afterlife." Bah. They're probably right. It's just that maybe I prefer to do it the lazy way, I follow the rules and avoid the pain. Kind of like when I go rollerblading, I put knee pads on my knees to avoid having scraped knees should I fall. Since I won't have scraped knees, I don't need to carry antibiotics in my pockets.

What I know for sure is that I love Jesus. So does my husband. I believe that we have both, in our own ways, chosen to have God first in our lives. Maybe he hasn't said the "Sinner's Prayer" like I did when I was six years old, I really don't know. But is there somewhere in the Bible where the Sinner's Prayer is mandatory? Doesn't God look to the motivations of our hearts for answers?

Has everyone made the process more complicated than it is? Have the piles of religions made finding Jesus too hard? Is God really that legalistic?

Don't we just have to say, "I will, Lord." And mean it?

Health, Wealth and Family.

2005-10-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

For nearly the last five years I have been blessed to hold the same job. Sat in the same chair, same office everyday. Not always doing the same thing, in fact, what I do right now is not what I did when I was first hired here.

The world I knew in early 2001 has changed around me. I no longer have the same bosses, not the same job duties, not the same home, not the same car, not the same pets, not even the same husband. Indeed, my world is so much better, so much more fulfilling, so unbelievable in the richness of those whom I love and care about. I could never have even imagined such an enriched life as I have now. In fact, I struggle with the acceptance of it as there are times it feels surreal.

Yet, here at work I feel so incredibly isolated, by my choice. There really isn't anyone here who I trust, find interesting or with whom I want to socialize. Most days I wonder to myself why I am still here.

I've often thought about changing jobs, honestly the thought crosses my mind several times a day. Yet, I haven't felt that the timing is right. A couple years ago, I was so unhappy that I went on several interviews. I didn't pray about that decision, I just did it out of my unhappiness. All the companies I interviewed with expressed interest, but ultimately chose another candidate.

Shortly after that, my health fell apart and I ended up undergoing major surgery for endometriosis, from which I'm still recovering. One month after I returned from disability, my company replaced my boss (who was the reason I was interviewing) with someone who is one of the kindest people for whom I have ever worked.

Despite that, I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I should be doing... something. Like a racehorse who's wiggling in the starter box but the gate is stuck. Nothing seems to come together. I've never been in such an odd spot. Strangely, I'm not depressed or frustrated about it at all. I feel rather ambivalent, to tell the truth and, well, grateful. Grateful that I'm so well provided for without the stress that my job used to hold for me. Unfulfilled and grateful for it, what a conundrum, eh?

Today, I read this devotional. I'm left wondering if perhaps this is where I'm at right now. A place of recovery. A place of waiting. And that, perhaps, the events of the last couple of weeks and my restless feelings are God's way of preparing me for the inevitable opening of another door... soon?

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Sometimes I'm Scared.

2005-10-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the Lord brings lessons too fast to write coherently about them. I don't even know that this post will be coherent, but it's what's on my mind. I've been overwhelmed this past month, one thing right after another. I still haven't fully digested all that has happened.

One of my favorite frets is money. How are the bills going to get paid? One of the things that was holding me back from marrying the man I love was the fact that my job pays me more than his does. It's kind of weird sitting here reading that sentence. It seems so silly and superficial. But I face that reality from a position of fear, not pride. I took on my debt based on my earning capabilities, not his. What if something happens to me? Then I've failed not only myself, but him, too.

I am used to providing for myself, because I'm afraid to trust anyone else to do it. Yet, I'm also afraid of providing too well, that I'll be taken advantage of. It happened to me before. So, the fear of repeating patterns is always at the front of my brain and on the tip of my tongue.

I also live, daily, with the fear that my health will become such that I'm not able to function because of the pain. With endometriosis, it's possible. It's a vicious circle in my head. The statement that I've somehow taught myself is that "if I lose my health, I'll lose everything and everyone." I fight within myself, reminding myself that God is in control. He wants me to be happy, productive, well-loved and secure. He will give me grace sufficient unto the day, or night, as the case may be.

I trusted my husband with my fears. He took them to heart, listened and held me. He didn't run screaming out the door, nor did he slink away in the night. He is doing all that he can to secure our future. I know that, intellectually. But my scarred, scared heart is still learning to trust him. He's okay with that, too.

The very next day the head of my company lost his job. Within a week, the structures within my company have been dismantled. I'm okay... for the moment, but I look at the situation and all I can do is pray. Pray for those, who through no fault of their own have been affected by this situation. Pray for their futures. Pray for myself and my future.

I'm scared. I don't like change. Yet every decision I've made that has effectuated a change in the past three years has been made with prayerful consideration. Have they ultimately turned out for the better? Yes, although that doesn't make the unknown any less scary. Why does He give the test before the lesson?

It seems as if the Lord is changing my life. Every single day.

I'm left reeling and breathless ... I guess it's a good thing He is in charge of my air supply.

And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? Luke 12:25

Listen. Patient

2005-09-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago, I was spending some time with my girlfriend, Susan. She is raising her granddaughter, who was 4 years old or so at the time.

We all hopped in Susan's truck to go somewhere one day. We had a specific meet time and we were running late. Isn't that always the way, though? Susan prompted Madison to hurry up and get in her child's seat. Madison muttered something under her breath and continued to dig in the side pocket of the truck, seeming to disregard what Susan had just said.

Instead of yelling or forcing Madison to get in her seat, she leaned and asked, "What is it that you're looking for, honey?" Calm in the midst of chaos. Madison replied that she was searching for her favorite pen. Susan leaned in and helped her look for it, ultimately shortening the delay with her patience. But also instilling a sense of respect toward Madison, because Susan was recognizing that Madison's needs were just as important as our need was to be somewhere on time.

Last Friday, I was in my back yard. It had been a hot day and at 5 o'clock in the evening, was still warm, but tapering off to a nice evening. As I inspected my tomato plants for ripening tomatos, a kid who was maybe 7 or 8 hopped up on the brick fence which parallels the wooden fence of my back yard. He didn't see me, so I waited and watched to see what he was doing.

He walked along the top of the brick fence for a bit until he was behind my next door neighbor's back yard. I heard his dad yell at him, "Get down, son! I don't want you up there." His son replied, "But, d-a-d, there's a huge spider! Look at the big spider!" He pointed up in the eucalyptus tree at a truly marvelous spider and its web that spanned nearly 20 feet. The sun sparkled through the web, causing a magical appearance like you would see in a Disney movie.

His dad, not nearly as enchanted with the spider and its magnificent creation, reiterated his command, "Get down." His son sadly complied.

As I think about those two incidences, I see so many things I can learn. To respect others needs, wait, listen, observe. If you do, you just might see something magical.

Timely God.

2005-09-13T14:03:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was really struggling with a situation with my new husband. It is a situation that would be considered "odd" by any stretch of the imagination. There are, however, extenuating details that make the situation less odd, but still it sits there in the odd place.

I had a really tough time coming to grips with it. In all honestly, I still haven't, but I've been able to put it in a place where I'm okay with it. It is a temporary thing and I know it's on its way to being resolved. When I first became aware of it, I communicated my feelings to my new husband and thought I was done with it.

The next day, however, it reared up again ... several times, and I recurrently dealt with a nasty attitude toward the situation. I was able to let him know what was going on in my head so he wasn't left with the Mysteriously Grumpy New Wife, just a Grumpy New Wife.

After the weekend of recurring nasties, on Sunday night I read a devotion from Wisdom for the Way entitled "Shared Joy is Double Joy".

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. Ecc. 4:9"

There's an old Swedish motto that hangs in many a kitchen: "Shared joy is a double joy. Shared sorrow is half a sorrow." The secret of survival is not simply enjoying life's joys and enduring its sorrows, it is in sharing both with others.

We gain perspective by having somebody at our side. We gain objectivity. We gain courage in threatening situations. Having others near tempers our dogmatism and softens our intolerance. We gain another opinion. We gain what today, in our technical world, is called "input".

In other words, it is better not to work or live one's life all alone. It's better not to minister all alone. It's better to have someone alongside us in the battle. For that reason, during my days in the Marines, we were taught that if the command "dig in" were issued, we should dig a hold large enough for two."

After reading that, I was convicted. I was not coming alongside my husband. I was not trusting his judgment. I was not supporting him in the decision he had made, because it wasn't a decision I would have made. I was selfishly only considering my viewpoint. He listened to and heard my words and made some compromises on his end and reassured me, but I was refusing to listen to him. It was a hard thing to realize about myself.

When I realized what I was doing, I apologized to him. I also made a concerted effort to let go of my anger and stop making snipy comments about the situation.

Last night I had a conversation with a girlfriend and was explaining the situation, as it is part of my life as a newlywed, a transitional phase if you will. One of the things she said was, "I'm sorry, but the situation, although I understand it, is just weird. It will always be weird." And I was taken right back to where I was two weeks ago, I started feeling angry about it again. I talked it out with my husband, again, and was okay with it by the time I went to bed.

I read my devotion for the night, from the same book as above, and felt a calming assurance as the words flowed through my brain:

"Our Job is to Obey

Let all who take refuge in You be glad. Let them ever sing for joy. Psalm 5:11

As you walk the path of trust you will experience situations that simply defy explanation. When you look back, after the fact, you could never have figured out a better plan. At the time it seemed strange, mysterious, even illogical. Let me assure you, that's God working. Things will happen that seem to be totally contradictory, but these are God's arrangements. It was a wonderful day when I finally realized I don't have to explain or defend the will of God. My job is simply to obey it.

It is a waste of time trying to unscrew the inscrutable workings of God. You'll never be able to do it. That's simply the way God works. He honors faith and obedience. He will honor your faith if you will trust Him in a walk of obedience. And when you trust him completely, you will enjoy inner quietness and security. You will have a secure confidence that you are walking in His will. You will be surrounded by His peace."

So, I continue on my quest to trust. Seems to be a returning theme in my life. Trust my God. Trust my husband. Trust that we are living within God's will for our lives. That, indeed, this situation is "weird" or "odd", that it defies explanation. But, it is only temporary. It will pass. And, for now, I will remain obedient in my attitude, not just my actions.

Back to the Beginning.

2005-08-31T15:51:00.000-07:00

Do you know how they say in a relationship, when things get dry or into a rut, to return to the beginning? Remember when you were dating. Get out the picture books. Grab your partner and go through them together. Remind each other of what it was you first saw in each other. The passion, the spark, the steadiness of friendship. Whatever it was.

I'm at a new beginning in my life right now. I married the man whom I've been dating. We've actually been dating for awhile now, yet every day that I look into his eyes or hear his voice on the phone, or see a car like his, my heart flutters just a bit. My breath catches in anticipation. What words will he say? What smile or kiss will drift my way?

And, as those thoughts cross my mind, I thought to myself how appropriate it is to apply that to my relationship with God. I was just a wee thing when I chose to become a Christian. I don't really even remember it. But at 6 years old, I knew my own mind. My mother tells me that I determined I wanted to accept Christ. I didn't want to do it in the living room, though, so I went in the bedroom and closed the door.

She said I came out a bit later and said, "Well, I did and He did." The pastor at our church talked to me after that in preparation of being baptized. His conclusion was that I knew exactly what I had chosen to do. It is that kind of single-minded determination that I have approached everything in my life. When I choose to do it, it gets done.

I guess that's kind of my point today. To encourage you to return to the beginning. Remember what it was that drew you to Christ, reflect on your decision of becoming a Christian. Sometimes the journey through life can be hard and difficult and we forget what it was that started the entire thing.

Facing Marriage.

2005-08-17T00:36:00.000-07:00

"He'd never understood much about his feelings toward Cynthia, but he knew and understood this: He didn't want to keep teetering on the edge, afraid to step forward, terrifed to turn back.

The weight on his chest was palpable; he'd felt it often since she moved next door and into his life. Yet it wasn't there because he loved her, it was there because he was afraid to love her completely.

Perhaps he would always have such a weight; perhaps there was no true liberation in love. And certainly he could not ask her to accept him as he was -- flawed and frightened, not knowing."

"There comes a time when there's no turning back."

The above quote comes from author Jan Karon's book, A Common Life. It describes perfectly how I'm feeling as I face my wedding day. In the book, the male character, portrayed above, requests in one simple word to God all the fears and needs in his heart, "Please ..." he cried.

I echo his cry.

Difficult Blessing.

2005-08-07T00:50:00.000-07:00

I don't enjoy gossip. Gossip makes me feel dirty, tainted.

One of the most difficult aspects of my job is the gossipy girls. Well, it would be if I didn't have my own office. Fortunately, I am blessed to have an office where I can focus on taking care of business rather than rehashing other people's business.

I am also blessed, after years and years of working for difficult people, to have a boss who is kind and considerate. HE actually reminded ME that it's okay for me to have a life outside of the office. That it's just a job and that it will be there for me. Exact quote. Is that amazing or what?

I felt blessed when he told me that.

As I unlocked my car the other day to leave work, one of my co-workers who works in the office area with the gossipy girls was eating her lunch in her car. She seemed down and she shared with me how difficult it is for her to work in that office, that she was really struggling with the gossiping and back stabbing that goes on all day long. I didn't really know what to say to encourage her, other than lending her a listening ear.

When she left to go back inside, she gave me a hug and thanked me for being there. I reminded her, too, that it was just a job. Just as my boss had reminded me. She said she felt blessed to have been able to talk to me.

I didn't feel like I had done much. But perhaps being there was enough.

Not Writing.

2005-07-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

I've not been writing over here because I've been so busy with things pertaining to my regular life.

In my devotions today, it talked about God's timing. That His timing may not always be my timing. That there are reasons for delays or for other things happening that weren't planned on. A few years ago, I used to think that annoyances were something that you had to get through. Now, I look for what I'm supposed to learn from them or how "it" will change my perspective.

Growing in His will is one of the hardest things to do. Especially for a control freak like me. It's hard to turn over the wheel and let him drive. Yet when I do, the blessings are bountiful.

I'm looking down the road of my future. While the things I see may change and difficulties will, no doubt, be encountered, I wonder to myself if such happiness is allowed.

Is it really possible to have hope?

My Prayer

2005-07-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are the one in control of this world, yet you are not controlling. You let us choose our paths. You are there for us in our time of need, because you are faithful to us, your children. Your glory far surpasses the horrors of this world. Your love is far superior than any love we can experience here. But those things are very real to us, as we try our best to live by your example.

And, so Father, I ask you to ...

Please help heal those who were hurt yesterday in the London bombing. And comfort those who lost loved ones in that blast.

Please protect those who are in the path of Hurricane Dennis from harm.

Please be with my mom as she drives around today, that you would bless her adventure with fun and good times.

Please protect my kitties from fear when the man comes with a tape measure this afternoon.

Thank you, Father.

Oh ... one more request? Since this is the last weekend my mom will be visiting me, would it be possible for my health and energy levels to be up? That maybe I'll feel up to helping her finish writing her paper on Sunday?

Amen.

Ups and Downs of Life.

2005-06-27T00:57:00.000-07:00

I've heard theories spouted when discussing Biblical theories on an email list I'm a part of that King David may have been bi-polar. They base that assumption on the incredible ups that he seemed to experience and the incredible lows that he had.

The last discussion that was had about this topic was about two weeks ago. I've been thinking about it since.

What I think is that David wrote the book of Psalms over a period of several years. Yes, there are some extreme fluctuations found in the mood of the Psalms. Some chapters are comforting -- obviously Psalms 23 is turned to by many in times of difficulty as a form of solace. Some chapters are sad and a sense of hopelessness pervades them. Then there are other chapters where the attitude is one of extreme praise, lifting hands like the leaves of the trees do to worship their Maker.

Those extreme fluctuations are a result of the events that were happening in his life. I mean, he was being CHASED for his LIFE by King Saul and his armies. He was living in caves. His faith in God was being tested every single day. He was questioning the reason for his life. I know I would if my routine was living in caves and hiding for my life -- because of the hatred of someone who had the power to kill me. In fact, I would find it downright depressing.

On the other hand, how uplifting must it have been to have God come through for him, time and again? To know that there was someone more powerful than his enemies who was looking out for him? And those times, when he was reminded of God's greatness, would be filled with praise and joy.

The extreme highs and lows of life? Or bipolar? I think the first option. But that's just my opinion.

What defines me?

2005-06-13T00:35:00.000-07:00

If someone were to ask me, what is the one thing that defines who you are today, I would have to answer one thing.

That one thing is Fear.

Most people have no idea how many nights Fear sits on my shoulder and coos at me. See, I present as a confident, strong and pretty individual. I know, because people tell me those things all the time. What do I have to be afraid of, really?

Fear is my nemesis and my friend. Some days I hate Fear -- other days, Fear serves me well. But, all the same, it's fear. It's funny, I think, I don't envy the material possessions of others. What I envy are people who face changes in life with an attitude of adventure. People who are placid, emotionally. I envy them that.

I fear the unknown.
I fear financial instability.
I fear physical pain.
I fear losing my loved ones.
I fear losing my pets.
I fear losing my home.
I fear travelling.
I fear trusting someone who might harvest my vulnerabilities as ammunition.

I even fear change, yet the changes I make are done out of Fear -- fear that if I don't make a needed change, I'll always be in the same rut. Isn't that ironic?

Yet, what's even more ironic to me, is that God tells me throughout the Bible, numerous times, fear not. Intellectually, I talk myself through my fear, to the absolute worst possible ending. I strategize myself out of that ending, telling myself that my world won't end if that happens. Sometimes, I'm even okay for a few hours. But Fear is more patient than I am. Lurking in the shadows of my mind. It's also very gentle, it patiently waits and then gently, oh so gently, slips into a corner of my mind that I'm not paying attention to and starts turning out the lights in that room. Pretty soon, the entire room is dark -- filled with foreboding and anxiety.

Prayer and trusting God is the light switch that fills the dark room with glowing peace. Sometimes, I'm not quick enough in getting into that room in my mind to turn the light switch on. And Fear enjoys having the power, knowing that I'll remember. It slinks away and waits. Patiently. Quietly. Insiduously.

Fear. I hate Fear.

Another Conversation with God.

2005-06-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

Me: Lord, what are you lining up way up there?

My arm is thrown over my eyes. I've just awakened this morning. I see the Lord's lips curl in a slight smile.

Lord: You'll see, my child.

Me: But father, I'm so anxious.

The smile disappears to a gentle curve.

Lord: Child, you must remember that all I have in store for you is good. Only good.

Me: Lord, the knot in my stomach, it hurts ... I want to trust you.

Lord: I won't take that knot from you. You have to give it to me. When it's gone, you'll know you're trusting me.

Me: I trust you, Father. I trust you.

The knot slowly dissolves ...

Religion = Social Club?

2005-05-29T17:49:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with one of my girlfriends not too long ago. She is a highly intelligent woman, she has studied and dissected most religions out there. I can go to her and ask her questions about most anything, religion included, and she'll recite answers like a textbook. I'll then ask her what she believes. She always responds objectively, with logic, but also with her heart. She never attempts to persuade, nor does she slam me if my beliefs differ from hers. It's an exchanging of thoughts, not judgments. I value friendships like that.

My friend, she is Mormon. She was raised Mormon, but like I said, she has explored most other religions and returned to Mormonism. I asked her if she believed all that they believe. She replied that she did not. I thought about that for a moment. Then I asked her why it was that she has embraced them as a lifestyle.

Her response was that Mormons take care of their own. She has a 6 year old granddaughter that she is raising as a single "grand"mom. She felt they offered social opportunities for her granddaughter that no other religions/churches offered. It is not unusual for me to visit her and she is entertaining some of the youth who are out on their missions, or her bishop is visiting or one of her church friends stopped by for a brief moment of conversation.

One of the rules is that a male church member cannot be alone inside the home with a non-relative female member. Just an interesting side note.

It was just an interesting realization for me to have. I'm not searching for that kind of interaction, in fact, I would likely find it overwhelming. But, I guess some folks use the church as a social gateway?

Conversation With God Today.

2005-05-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

Me: Lord, this trusting stuff, why do you keep reminding me of it? Pushing me?

God: I am your Father. It's what I do.

Me: Well, it's tiring to be reminded of it -- all the time.

God: I agree.

Me: You always have to have the last word, don't you?

God: I invented it. I am the alpha and omega.

Me: I'm done with this conversation. You, You think you're funny.

God: How funny. I invented funny, too.

Me: ...

Me: ... (sigh)

Trust, Trust, Trust.

2005-05-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

We're still working on that trust thing over here. It's been a recurrent theme in my life and in my blog.

My youngest cat, Snug, is a timid little boy, with a gentle heart and melt in your arms sweetness. He goes through life and thinks everything will be okay. When it's not, he's startled into retreat. He has been that way since the day I picked him out at the rescue place. If Snug feels threatened, he runs and hides.

My older cat, Tug, on the other hand, is confident, loving and strong -- he watches the neighborhood for excitement, strong all by himself. Almost to the point of being confrontational about it. If Tug feels threatened, he stands his ground and fights -- all by himself.

I've always identified more with Snug inside my heart.

Both cats are indoor cats. Last night, in a strange sequence of events, Tug got outside. It scared me and shook me to my core. I love that cat. A lot. He got in a fight with one of the neighborhood cats, it was viscious, snarling and LOUD. When I went to get him, he hissed, snarled and turned on me, striking out at me in fear and self-defense.

Snug could have gone outside, but he chose not to. He stayed inside the garage, trying to get my attention to the problem. He was scared and frightened, eyes bigger than the wheels of my car. When he "solved" the problem to the best of his ability, he retreated and hid. He didn't trust me either.

Neither one of my cats trusted me in their moment of crises, but they reacted very differently.

I thought to myself, what a perfect example of how we fail to trust God with our lives. Some of us retreat, others of us snarl and strike. Both reactions are from fear -- which means we aren't trusting.

Something to think about. I know I am.

Love vs. Legalistic

2005-05-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

I am a rule follower. Surprising, I know.

From the earliest age I can remember, the first thing I wanted to know was, "What are the rules?" I would anticipate the first day of school each year so that I could learn the rules. I lived for rules. I didn't want to upset anyone or, dread of dreads, hurt someone's feelings. I didn't want to disappoint my teacher. Or my mom.

I was 6 years old when I accepted Christ as my saviour. Again with the rules. I wanted to know what was expected of me as a Christian. My mom was my guide at that age, providing answers to my questions about what my new Father expected of me.

Since then, it's been a journey of following the rules. The journey that I embarked on last November, that I mentioned in this blog, was one where I stretched and defined for myself what the rules of this journey are. I still don't have them fully formulated, but I'm working and thinking on that. Because, see, for most of my life, I've lived with the thought that good Christians are supposed to be passive, they aren't supposed to get angry or afraid or hurt or argue with their spouse. Because, you know, in Proverbs it talks about a soft answer turning away wrath. Numerous times throughout the Bible the Lord says "Be not afraid."

So every time I would feel one of those emotions, I would step on it and squash it. Like a nasty bug that had somehow crawled into my mind. I was timid, never stood up for myself. I would find a way to avoid confrontation, defuse it, without ever stating how I felt, what I believed. The problem I ran into with that is, people would assume that, since I didn't voice a difference of opinion, then I must believe and feel the same as them. They would move forward, erroneously, on that assumption.

I found myself to be extremely legalistic toward myself, holding myself to a high standard of suppression. Yet, oddly, I never judged or compared myself to anyone else. Others could run amok, but not me. It didn't bother me. In my mind, my standards were mine. Many of my friends tell me that I am the least judgmental person they know. I am, towards them -- but not myself.

So I let people run all over me, take me for granted, take advantage of me, I had no boundaries or rules for how others interacted with me. If someone hurt me, I told no one but my diary. If someone told me my feelings were wrong, I pushed those wrong feelings further under the doormat. I, however, was very careful not to lean on or ask anyone for help, I didn't want to take advantage of them. It became overwhelming trying to be perfect.

My quest to define has been a fruitful one.

I have learned that there are ways to stand up for yourself that fit within God's law. God never intended for me to be stepped on. The Bible is very balanced in that respect. According to the Bible, the woman is to respect her husband -- the balance, however, is that the husband is supposed to love his wife above anything else (except God, of course). Check and balance. If the husband loves his wife like nothing else, he won't ever abuse her, mentally or physically.

I've learned that it's also okay to ask others for help, to share the burden. I've also learned that it's okay to be afraid, to feel anger, to feel hurt. Those are normal emotions -- Jesus even felt those things while here on earth. Sometimes there are things that happen that are too huge for one person to handle by themselves. Emotional burdens, physical trials, spiritual questions. I can't be responsible for how other people might feel by my requests, they are responsible for saying "yes" or "no". If I need them, I should ask. God never intended for us to go it alone.

Somehow, I got too caught up in staring at the judging God, the God of punishment, the God of commandments, and forgot about the balance -- remember, God is balanced. I forgot about the God who loves me, no matter what. The God who forgives me of my failings when I come to him and crawl in his lap. The God who wants what is good for me, not harm. The God who is there just as much for the other people in my life as he is in my own.

Remember that God?

Thought Management.

2005-04-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

There is a button on my laptop I have recently discovered. It wasn't a fun discovery, and I'm still not sure which button it is. About once a night, I let go of my little optical mouse. It has a retractable cord which means that when I let go of it, it goes scurrying across my keyboard with just enough downward force to find the mystery button. When the mystery button is pressed, it sends my computer into hibernation mode. My screen goes dark within 2 seconds.

All things considered, hibernation mode isn't the worst thing that could happen. All I have to do is press the power button for a second and my computer boots back up and none of my work is lost.

There's another button somewhere in the same area, however, that causes whatever screen I'm working on to minimize and my cursor to hide. That placement of that mystery button is unknown, as well. I don't like that button very well. It bothers me, because I have to do a little recovery work to get things back to normal.

Sometimes, I feel like my brain is like that. One of the things the Lord and I are working on is managing my thoughts.

With my free-radical hormones that I have, at times, it's nearly impossible to do. This week has been an easier time of it for me. Any woman who has severe hormone fluctuations will tell you that, in order to avoid the abyss of depression, it's a game of strict thought management. Almost like you have to put "triggers" in a jail and focus on something, anything else.

For me, I try to make my outlet prayer. Or, I have by my bed a depression journal. It's where I write out, in a prayer format, the symptoms and fears that I have. It's where I give those up to God. Writing has always worked better for me than verbalizing. Verbalizing seems so ... ungraspable, so temporary. If I write it out, it formalizes it. It also allows me to track how I'm doing.

The other thing that I write in my depression journal, when I'm not depressed, are my blessings. The things that make my heart swell with hope and joy. I write positive things about myself, things that I know about myself yet easily forget when I am depressed. I include Bible verses that I've come across during my devotions, writing out those verses with the positive things really helps them stick. It is those positive things that I read if I can't write.

This week, I've been writing the blessings and positives out. The Lord and I, we're doing okay this week.

Thank you, Lord.

God's Green Tea

2005-04-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

The other day I attended a gathering with my fiance's family. He has an aunt who is, in my opinion, more concerned with the superficialities of life ... the status house, the fancy car, the proper pets, the my child is attending a better college than yours, keeping up with current trends, etc.

She explained how she read that drinking green tea is supposed to be healthy for you. So, she said she went out and bought some green tea to drink. But she didn't like it, so she threw it all away. She asked, how are you supposed to drink healthy green tea if it's gross?

I wanted to tell her that there's more than one type of green tea. That if you buy the stuff in the regular grocery store, chances are, it tastes like musty dust. If you go to an authentic Asian grocery store, their green tea is much, much better. But I didn't tell her that. Because I could tell she was already closed to the subject. She had no interest in exploring it further. She wasn't really serious about drinking it for health, she was drinking it because it was the "in" thing to do. She wanted others to validate her for having tried it.

I felt really bothered by it, for some reason. I mean, it was such a silly thing. What do I care if she hates green tea? Then, I realized, it was because she had written off something that I love and enjoy as part of my every day morning ritual. I love green tea.

I wonder how many of us go to church because it's the "in" thing to do. It's something that we're told to do in the Bible, but if we go to one church and it feels kind of dusty or musty to us, we just quit and say, "well, I didn't like it." In all honesty, I'm kind of in an "in between" stage with my church. I really like the pastor at the church that I call "my church", the church that I tithe at. But I don't feel connected with the members of the church, in fact, I feel annoyed and irritated by them. I just want to escape after the service before they latch on to me.

This topic has been on my prayer list since I left singing on "my church's" worship team last November. I feel drawn to attend at Saddleback. But they're so huge already, do they really need me? Do I need them? Where do I belong? Am I ready to belong?

I've turned off commenting on this post. I am only sharing where I'm at, not seeking feedback. Please don't be offended.

For Reals.

2005-04-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

One of the things a lot of people tell me once they find my spiritual blog is that they are surprised at how much they relate to what I write.

I think we, as Christians, think we're supposed to be perfect. We think we're not supposed to have worldly thoughts. We think we're not supposed to have messy homes. That we aren't to have conflicts with co-workers, family members or our neighbors. As if becoming a Christian negates our common humanity.

It doesn't. We are still human, we will still have conflicts and troubles in our lives. What we have to be conscious of are our reactions and thoughts. Because, you know what? God accepts us and meets us WHERE WE ARE. He loves us. Just like we, as humans, love our children or pets, imperfections and all.

I was just watching the remembrance video of Saddleback's pastors. They are celebrating 25 years of being a church this weekend. Rick Warren, the founding and senior pastor of Saddleback, as well as the author of The Purpose Driven Life, has slips of the tongue because, you know, he's human. But, it keeps it real. He's learned that errors of speak is a bonding tool between him and the people in the church. Just as our errors, as Christians, can be a bonding tool between us and non-Christians.

Among my favorites on the video were, "If you are poor, we give you money. If you are foodless we give you food stamps. If you are breastless, errr *pause, shakes his head* recovers with, well, if you're breastless, we give you implants. If you're breathless, we give you oxygen."

Another one, "In anticipation of Saddleback's Christmas services, we've made yard signs. You can take these signs and stick them ... *his brain went blank*, *laughing*, recovers with ..." stick them in your YARD."

"You know, it's just a fart ..." *pause*... "did I just say fart? Can I say fart?" ... *pause* ... "I meant, it's just a fact ..."

The best one, though, was "God spoke to Balaam through a donkey. A jackass! Does God speak to us today through a jackass? Why, yes he does! Every Sunday, here at Saddleback!"

God's Timing ...

2005-04-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

I have established a morning routine of spending at least 10 minutes with the Lord. Right after I get out of bed in the morning. See, I know the Lord loves me, even though I have morning breath and bed fuzzy hair. If he doesn't, well, I guess I'm really pushing it. ;) But, hey, it's His fault I have that stuff, right? I mean, He made me the way I am.

Part of my routine, at least this year, is I'm studying the women of the Bible and then I read a poem from Helen Steiner Rice. Usually, my eyes glaze over when reading poetry, always have had trouble with that. I can write my own, but then going back and reading it, same trouble. Which is evidenced by the "F" I received in high school poetry class. For some reason, I don't get that way with Ms. Rice's work.

I thought I'd share the poem that I read over the last three days. This one really touched my heart because of a situation I'm working through ... maybe it will touch yours, too.

When we are deeply disturbed with a problem
and our minds are filled with doubt
And we struggle to find a solution
but there seems to be no way out,
We futilely keep on trying
to untangle our web of distress
But our own little, puny efforts
meet with very little success...

And finally, exhausted and weary,
discouraged and downcast and low,
With no foreseeable answer
and with no other place to go,
We kneel down in sheer desperation
and slowly and stumblingly pray,
Then impatiently wait for an answer,
which we fully expect right away.

And then when God does not answer
in one sudden instant, we say,
"God does not seem to be listening,
so why should we bother to pray?"
But God can't get through to the anxious,
who are much too impatient to wait --
You have to believe in God's promise
that He comes not too soon or too late.

For whether God answers promptly
or delays in answering your prayer,
You must have faith to believe Him
and to know in your heart He'll be there.
So be not impatient or hasty,
just trust in the Lord and believe.
For whatever you ask in faith and love,
in abundance you are sure to receive.

Helen Steiner Rice

But, I love Jesus ...

2005-04-06T01:04:00.000-07:00

Someone near and dear to my heart loves Jesus with all of her heart.

As one would expect, if you love someone, you are fascinated by him or her. You just can't seem to get enough information, you know? So, over the years, she has collected the Bible on tape, sermons on tape, Christian music on tape, pamphlets, a couple of Bibles, books that provide insight on a Christian life, seminar workbooks, etc. ... quite a few things, you can imagine.

All of her belongings were, up until recently, stored somewhere else. The items were transferred this weekend into my care. One of the people who had been storing the items made several comments criticizing, in a negative vein, the fact that someone would have so much religious stuff, or "Jesus stuff" ... to which the person who collected the items said, "but, I love Jesus, too."

I guess it was a real conversation stopper.

I thought to myself, "Now that's a good way to be a witness." How many times have I been swept away with someone else's negative thoughts, like a creaky door in undisciplined wind, without putting the door stop down? How many times have I said negative things about others? A lot, I suppose. More than I'll admit to here.

Of course, I'd be a dork if I ended every sentence with "but, I love Jesus, too." Kinda makes me laugh to think about it, though. How opposite that is to a lot of the stuff I think or say.

Morning Drive Worship

2005-03-31T11:09:00.000-08:00

*starts engine*

It's time to drive to work. Morning time. My least favorite time of the day. I turn the worship music CD on and sing along. I've spent time in prayer and reading my Bible this morning, as I do every morning. This is just a continuation of that, 20 minutes of singing praises to God as I drive to work.

I'm singing along ... "Oh the wonderful cross, Oh the wonderful cross, Bids me come and die and find, That I may truly live ..."

The song continues, I mutter, "Man, what an a** ..." as someone does a two lane change to cut me off and slows to 10 MPH below the speed limit. "Are they turning?" I wonder out loud ... "Nope, just moved over two lanes to drive really slow in front of me."

I change lanes and continue singing ... "Here I am to worship, Here I am to bow down, Here I am to say that you're my God, You're altogether lovely, Altogether worthy, Altogether wonderful to me ..."

"What the ... sheez, what an idiot, moron." I shake my head as I avoid side swiping someone who failed to stop at a red light and pulled out directly into my path.

I arrive at work and I'm grinning to myself as I realize that I seriously doubt God intended me to worship him while calling those around me idiots.

Thank you, Lord, for your grace ... towards me and those around me.

Self Esteem and Health

2005-03-28T21:16:00.002-08:00

Somehow, in my mind, my health and self esteem have been linked. When I don't feel well, I feel worthless. As if everything that I am and the things I do throughout the day aren't worth squat.

I even struggle, at those moments, with intense hatred. I hate, with everything that I am, the parts of me that cause me such pain. Yes, pain. Horrible inside pain. That doubles me over and makes me sob. I hate it. At those moments, if I could ask one thing of God, I wouldn't ask him for world peace. No, I'm far too selfish. I would ask him to replace the parts of me that hurt with non-hurting parts. After all, what possible purpose could this internal abdominal pain serve? What?

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" I scream sometimes in frustration and agony. "I'M DONE! TAKE IT AWAY ... JUST TAKE IT AWAY."

What makes it all the more frustrating is that I have days that are good. Sometimes a whole week. Then, one morning, I wake up and there it is again. Whatever plans I may have had for the day ... gone. Poof. Disappointment.

It's never easy, is it?

I watched Easter service online this year. Can you guess why? You know what, though? It was nice. My cats joined me on my bed and we watched, listened and took notes. I was reminded, again, that no matter how big my problems or frustrations or pain are to me, God's plan for my life is bigger.

That I am significant to Him. Even though in those bad, hateful times I don't feel significant or valued, I am. Just the way I am, He loves me. Where I'm at, scrunched up on the bathroom floor, He's there.

Nice, huh?

Did you hear that?

2005-03-20T21:51:00.000-08:00

Ssshhh. Listen.

Mute your television. Turn off your music. Turn off your dishwasher or anything that is making a noise, including your thoughts. Just ... listen.

Do you hear that?

"Hear what?" I hear you ask.

"That." I reply

That which we usually do not hear because of the noises in our life.

I went away this weekend and just listened. I heard so many things that I usually don't hear. The squirrel on the roof. The tap of the tree branches as they swayed in the wind. Ahhh, the sound of the wind as it played with the branches. Even the silence of new snow falling. I heard the sound of my heart beat. The sound of my love's laughter and mine in response to his. The crackle of wood as it burned in the fireplace. The sizzle of bacon on the stove.

The joy of my heart as I focused on the simpleness of life.

Sshhh. I ask you again, did you hear that?

The Listener.

2005-03-11T13:55:00.000-08:00

A couple months ago I was in Walmart and browsed their little book section. I made an impulse buy that day, I read the first page of a book and it grabbed me. I didn't even know the name of the book. It was out of the "inspirational section."

When I got home and unloaded my car, I couldn't find the book. I looked for it everywhere, even pulled out the empty plastic bags my other items had been in from the trash, thinking I had somehow discarded it. I came to the sad conclusion that I must have left it in the shopping cart. I prayed that whoever found it would be touched by it. I was so sad, though, because I had really wanted to read it.

A couple weeks later, I was cleaning out the recyclables from my garage. As I lifted the last bag, there was a small Walmart bag. Be still my heart, there was the lost book. I was so happy. I picked it up and put it on my "to be read" shelf.

Another couple weeks went by before I finally sat down and actually read the thing. It was a small book, only 158 pages. It took me all of an hour to finish it. When I was done, I sat there for fifteen minutes pondering the message of the book.

The premise of the book, The Listener, is based on a fellow who wakes up one morning and can hear the heart thoughts of those around him. Kind of like that scene in Bruce Almighty when all of a sudden Bruce could hear all the millions of prayers and how overwhelming they were to him. The fellow in the book I read kept thinking people were talking to him, only to realize that their lips weren't moving. Strange words, like one lady felt that gravity would let her go and no one would ever miss her. He went to a busy mall and was overwhelmed with the needs from people's hearts. Needs they weren't even aware of thinking.

He started to use this "gift" as a way to witness to people, it became his crutch to lead people to Jesus. Then, one morning two weeks later, he woke up and the gift was gone. He was so depressed, he went through his day thinking he could ever talk about Jesus again. He was supposed to speak in a class about how to witness, but he wasn't sure he could.

He was coerced up in front of the group of people at the class and felt uncomfortable. The people who were attending the class started asking him questions about how to witness. At that moment, he realized that in order to witness, the only thing he needed to do was to observe those around him, their body language and words, really listen and pay attention. Someone at the class asked him what the most common spiritual need of every person is.

He replied, "Well, they need to know they're loved, that there's healing, that someone's in control, that they're not a product of their past, that they can be forgiven, that they can be useful, that they're made in the image of God ... " He paused and racked his brain for more.

But suddenly it came to him. There really was only one answer that filled those needs he'd been naming. The same answer he'd been offering for the last two weeks.

He stood there for a moment as the thought took hold of him. "You know, really," he said, I guess the answer to all their questions, the fulfillment of all their needs is Jesus Christ."

To the question of, "If they already know Jesus, what is their need then?"

"The bottom line, basic need of every real Christian," he said, "is to bear fruit like Christ. You can count on it. Every true Christian has that need, whether they want to admit or or not. And the further they are from fulfilling it, the emptier they are."

The book made me stop and think. I'm still thinking. Because I have my "yeah, buts" all lined up. I'm not good at talking. I'm an introvert. I don't have a lot of patience. I have social anxieties. I have unstable health. I'm sensitive and my feelings get hurt easily by rejection.

How in the world am *I* supposed to be a good witness?

What is in a motive?

2005-03-01T11:14:00.000-08:00

mo·tive (mō'tĭv): An emotion, desire, physiological need, or similar impulse that acts as an incitement to action.

goal (gōl): The purpose toward which an endeavor is directed; an objective.

in·ten·tion (ĭn-tĕn'shən): An aim that guides action; an objective.

We go through our lives making decisions. Have you ever wondered what goes into the decision making process? This is something that I have recently been pondering pretty heavily of late.

I've been working through a very painful situation over the last few weeks. You may have noticed that a lot of my writings here have touched on some varied topics? You may find it interesting to know that, while the examples I used in my writings weren't about the situation I've been working through, the occurrence of the examples were timely to help me work through the situation.

The aspects I have worked through ... learning from our past or those who have gone before us (Link), figuring out who is at the center of your relationship (Link), to know that what we have is a direct result of our hard work or life experience (Link), that sometimes your existence is a problem for someone (Link), being patient with someone when they're slow (Link), and trying to be peaceful when I'm sad (Link). Then, Michael addressed his reason for blogging and the niggling thought that had been floating around in my head solidified. I realized, I really needed to answer this question for myself.

This situation has made me confront a lot of relationship fears that I have. The fear of confrontation, the anxiety that I feel when someone I love appears to have turned against me. I am a third party to the relationship I speak of, at least I should be. Yet, fingers are pointing at me, saying it's my fault that they're having problems because I keep a blog. Not this blog, my main blog. The one that is now passworded.

Which is why I have felt the need to examine what my motives are. Not to justify myself, but to understand myself. I've asked myself what my goals are? What are my intentions? To really figure out why I blog? What do I get out of it?

I think to fully understand the question of why I blog, the story needs to start at the beginning. Most people know that I was inspired by my future in-laws, who keep blogs, to start my own. I started writing on the Internet as a way to share with my mom, who lives in Korea.

I was startled when I gained a readership, it wasn't something that I had aspired to or even knew could happen. I just never thought about it. One day in October I checked my webstats and was shocked to see that there were people reading my stuff. Gradually, people started making comments. Sharing themselves with me. I was touched. A small community of around 70 people gradually came into existence.

But, I believe I have stayed true to my original intentions.

It has always been easier for me to express myself in the written word than the verbal word. I have kept a journal of some fashion since I was 12 years old. Anytime something important has needed to be said, I have written it out.

My blog has evolved into a hobby. It's fun to tell a story so that people will relate to it, so that it might touch someone's heart or give them a chuckle. It has become a way for me to work through the depression that I have felt this past year and also a way to get to know myself, a person who I lost for a good portion of my life because of a mentally abusive relationship that I was in.

I feel blessed that my fiance chooses to read my writings, because it gives me a way to share my inner heart in a way that comes easily and naturally to me. Being able to be myself is the ultimate gift to myself. And that is why I blog.

Even if someone misinterprets my motives or puts their twist on my intentions, I can rest in the knowledge that God knows my heart. Or, another way of saying it, God will cut to the heart of the matter. God knows before I ever face a situation what my intentions will be. God won't twist things around or get pulled into a "yeah, but" discussion.

My peace comes from knowing that someday, when I stand before my Maker, it will all become clear. Clear to me and clear to the people who are intentionally choosing to misinterpret things.

God, teach me to be patient, teach me to go slow,
Teach me how to wait on You when my way I do not know.
Teach me sweet forbearance when things do not go right
So I remain unruffled when others grow uptight.
Teach me how to quiet my racing, rising heart
So I might hear the answer You are trying to impart.
Teach me to let go, dear God, and pray undisturbed until
My heart is filled with inner peace,
and I learn to know Your will.

Helen Steiner Rice

Doing Something? I think God is ... not me.

2005-02-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

I must be doing something right.

The other day I wrote about struggling with impatience internally. Oh, how I struggle!

Yet, on my countenance, something must be pleasing to others.

Despite the unbelieveable depression I have experienced this past year, as well as some adversarial occurrences lately that have poked my spirit, complete strangers, at the rate of about one per week, keep telling me that I seem so peaceful.

The first person who said this to me, walked right up to me in the middle of the local Sav-On. He was a little old man, he doddered up to me and said "You seem so at peace ... " patted me on the arm and doddered off. I stared after him like he had grown a nose on his behind. What on earth?

It happened again and again over the next few months. The other one I get is "You look so young!" Or some variation of it. When I got my hair cut last week, the stylist asked me what classes I was taking in college. What??? I'm well past college age, yet he was insistent that I looked about 21.

Setting aside the feed that this gives my ego, I mean, who doesn't like to hear that they look youthful or peaceful? But, setting that aside, I wonder what's going on? I sure don't FEEL peaceful or youthful. Yet, it was about 7 or 8 months ago that I established a devotional routine, to read the Bible and pray every single night. To read a witty devotion and pray every morning. No exceptions.

I put this post together yesterday but couldn't end it right. I realized, after reading one of my online devotionals today why that was. It was because, what I'm trying to say is contained in this devotion. (Link)

Sometimes, no matter how YOU feel, GOD'S light still shines through you.

The Patience Vest.

2005-02-17T09:27:00.001-08:00

One of the things I struggle with A LOT in my daily life is being impatient. For the most part, if you were to see me standing in line or waiting at a red light, you would never guess it by looking at me. I don't gnash my teeth or grump at anyone. In fact, most of the time I have a little smile playing about my lips. But inwardly I am perpetually drumming my fingers.

It's comical, really, when I think or analyze why I'm so impatient. For once in my life, I have a boss who never watches the clock. I have a fiance who never watches the clock. Yet old habits die hard. I am so used to having someone ELSE put pressure on me to be one way or another. So, why am I so impatient? Why am I in such a gol' darn hurry to get home for? I'm not on a strict time clock at work or at home anymore. I report to ... myself and God.

The other day I consciously made a decision not to be impatient. When I went to the post office, I didn't get annoyed with the old guy in front of me who was driving slowly. I captured my impatient thought of "Will I need a ventilator by the time we get there?" and reminded myself of my decision.

When I came out from the post office, I didn't get annoyed at the little old lady who was parked next to me who had her passenger door open (which meant I couldn't open my car door). In fact, I reached out to help her open her package wheeler because her other hand was holding her cane. She apologized two or three times for being in my way and I kept telling her that she wasn't in my way, she was simply living her life. Do you know something? Her eyes welled up with tears at the kindness that God enabled me to show her.

Do you know something else? I learned that sometimes, when you don the Patience Vest, you can connect with another human being. That connection is worth the extra 30 seconds.

Be Who God Intended ...

2005-02-16T21:44:00.000-08:00

The other day I was skimming through the comments on a particularly popular blog and came across one where the reader said the following (paraphrasing):

I think she's funny, but the only thing I think about when I read her site is that I want to BE her. I want to marry her husband because I think I love him just as much as she does. I want her baby who is so precious. I think our similar height makes us very much alike. I want to live in the state she does. I think I need to take a break from reading before I start answering to her name.

I realize that the author of this comment intended it to be a humorous compliment. But, the comment got me to thinking. How many of us have ever wished we were someone else?

I'm not always happy with myself, my thoughts or my health. A few times in the past couple of years I've wished I could rip out my hormones and replace them with happy, shiny ones. There are things that I struggle with that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. However, I can honestly say that I've never wished I could BE someone else.

Then I thought, why would someone want to be someone else? Is their life difficult beyond words? Is their self-esteem so very low? Where are they at emotionally? Have they lost all hope of being themselves?

Each of us are unique. God made us that way. If he wanted us to be clones of each other, I think he would have made us that way. I firmly believe that each have something special, a gift, inside of us. Maybe similar to someone else, but with a twist.

Maybe the gift is to inspire others. Maybe it's an ability to give hope or joy, whether it's through writing, music, words or even your smile. Perhaps your gift is being an organizer, a highly paid executive, a leader, a preacher, a teacher, a mom, a good wife or maybe your gift is that of being compassionate. To be truly happy in our own skins, we need to find our own gift, not wish to be someone else so we can have their gifts. You don't know what they had to experience to have their gifts.

Do I feel it's okay to admire someone? To learn from someone else's experience? To aspire to attain certain characteristics? Absolutely! But, I believe there is a distinction between admiration and coveting. Admiration inspires, coveting compares. I've learned that if I compare myself to someone else, I will find myself sorely lacking. Which in turn feeds negative emotions. Which in turn stops my own personal growth.

So many people get caught up in the superficiality of beauty or possessions and either forget or don't realize that "forever" happiness comes from inside our souls. Temporary happiness comes from outside sources.

I guess my point is, do not underestimate who you are INSIDE. Your character. To do so is to underestimate our God.

1 Corinthians 2:7^(MSG) -- God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes. You don't find it lying around on the surface. It's not the latest message, but more like the oldest--what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene.

Want my space?

2005-02-13T22:05:00.000-08:00

The other morning I was driving to work on a surface street, as I always do. A fellow in his car on my right awakened enough to realize that the next intersection was where he needed to turn left. He started to change lanes and THEN looked and realized that I was there, right next to him. He jerked back into his lane, flipped on his signal and proceeded to speed up until only the front half of his car was ahead of mine (the rear of his car ended at my passenger door) and then, regardless of the fact that I was still there, he moved over into a spot that a motorcycle wouldn't have fit in. I braked and let him in. I was a little startled that he was choosing to drive unsafely, but more than that I was curious about him rather than his actions.

Within a second after his lane change, he realized he was too close to the car in front of him and crammed on his brakes. To avoid rear-ending him, I executed a quick lane change into the lane he had vacated. As I came alongside him, I glanced over into his car because my curiousity was running rampant. The man was older, maybe 60ish. He had greying hair, a little overweight. But the most noticeable thing to me was that he was staring at me (instead of the road in front of him), gesturing wildly, his face was PURPLE from his anger and he was YELLING AT ME even though his windows were, even though MY windows were up and even though I couldn't hear him.

I shook my head in disbelief, raised my hands in a "what did I do?" gesture and continued my drive to work.

I guess he thought I was going to cut back in front of him, because I noticed he sped up to close the gap to the car in front of him to a mere few inches.

The situation bothered me. I felt so bad, I don't like seeing people get angry and certainly not at me. I really didn't understand what I had done to cause him to be so angry. He looked like he was going to have a heart attack over a simple lane change.

I replayed the scene in my head a couple of times and finally realized that it wasn't something I had done, it was just that I was where he wanted to be. There was no way for him to BE where I was unless he took some rude measures and infringed upon the space I needed for my car. Yet, even though I yielded the space to him, he STILL wasn't happy. There was nothing I could do to make him happy.

I was reminded, once again, that I cannot ever be responsible for someone else's happiness. Each person is responsible for their own happiness. The only thing I can do is pray for their peace, that whatever is causing them to be so angry about their life will be resolved. So, that's what I did this morning. I yielded my hurt feelings to God and prayed for that angry, angry man. I prayed that his day would get better.

The hurt spot inside my heart filled with peace. Even though it was the hardest thing to do, giving up that hurt feeling, the reward in doing so was returned three times over.

The Oil Change.

2005-02-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

About a year ago I went to get my car's oil changed at the dealership. As I was making my payment, a little old man walked in.

He waited a few seconds and then approached me and said "Did you say you were married?"

"No." I replied, "No, I'm not married."

He said, "Oh, well I am. I've been married for 65 years. We just moved up here from Coronado Island."

"Is that right? Coronado's a pretty place." I answered.

"Yep." He reached in his pocket and pulled out a newspaper clipping and displayed it for me and the girl behind the counter to see. On the scrap of paper was displayed a picture of an elderly couple (him and his wife) with their names typed below and the words "Celebrating their 65th Wedding Anniversary."

The girl behind the counter joined the conversation and asked, "So, I guess you probably get asked this all the time, but what would you say is the secret to a successful marriage?"

The old man replied, "Yes, I do get asked that all the time." He paused and then continued, "Most people think it's communication."

We nodded our heads.

"Well, communication is important. But for me and my wife, we love our Lord first and each other second. We read this book ... " he pulled a small Bible out of his vest pocket "... and pray together every single day. When we put God at the center, everything else just balances out."

"Wow." We replied in unison. I said, "Congratulations on your 65th anniversary."

He paid his invoice and walked out. The girl behind the counter and I just stared at each other for a moment. She said, "You know, he's right." I replied, "Yep."

It's been a year. When I walk in the door next week for my oil change, she's going to look up at me and say, "Do you remember that little old man?"

And, I'm going to reply ... "Yes. Yes, I do."

Learning or Not.

2005-01-31T10:14:00.000-08:00

"I'm not as weird as I seem, if you only knew where I've been." --Jeanette, 2005

We all have a story. Where we've come from. Our parents have a story, where they've come from. Their story shapes our story, our story shapes our lives. Our story shapes our lives and our children's lives.

I remember musing on this when I was 17 years old but didn't know how to articulate it. I tried, though, I have a diary entry where I muddled around talking about children and the legacy left them by their parents.

There are parts of my personality that are likely from my great-grandmother and great-grandfather. I don't know what they are, but since my grandparents were a large part of my life throughout my teen years, I would imagine that parts of them and parts of the men and women before them touched me.

Someone this past week tried to tell me that the past shouldn't be allowed to affect us. That we can't live our lives in the shadow of the past. The choice of words used were hurtful. I understood what the person was saying, but I believe there's a difference between living in the past and learning from the past.

If you fail to learn from the experiences you've had, then what was the point of going through them? If you fail to learn and then accept responsibility for what YOU did or didn't do, wouldn't it stand to reason that you will repeat what you've done (or haven't done) before?

In the Bible, the Israelites repeated their mistakes over and over again. They would fall into the ways of whatever society they were living in, worshipping idols, when God kept telling them to only worship Him. Yet, they never learned. A quick search for the word "idols" in the online Bible returns these results: Link

My opinion, wrong or right is this ... a person who lives in the past is a shadow who will never reach their full potential. Living in the past is rather like a spiritual smothering. Gradually, you just die inside.

A person who fails to learn from the past is a fool. In order to learn, you have to examine. If you don't examine, you don't learn.

I pray that I'm not a fool.

Recovery Day.

2005-01-16T20:31:00.000-08:00

Today was a day of recovery for me. Recovery of spending time with SO MANY PEOPLE at Disneyland the last couple of days. One of the joys of being an introvert is the need to recover and rejuvenate by having alone time after social events.

My fiance's parents gave me a book entitled "Sarah: The Women of Genesis", which I finished reading today. It is a novel based loosely on the experiences of Sarah and Hagar. I am also reading a devotional book on the women of the Bible. As it so happened, the stories of Sarah and Hagar from one book coincided with the reading of the other book.

Something that resonated with me served as a closing to the story, as Sarah, an old woman looked back over her life. The book connected Lot's wife (who turned into a pillar of salt because she turned and looked at Sodom & Gomorrah when she should have been looking towards her future) as being Sarah's sister, named Qira.

And thinking of sisters reminded her of Qira and her tragic blindness to anything that mattered. Qira was almost as blessed as I was, thought Sarah, but she never knew it, and kept trying to get joy from those who had none to give, and rejecting it from the only ones who knew how it could be obtained. And she died because she couldn't let go of the very things that the dead always leave behind, and couldn't hold to the only things that the dead can carry with them.

The love of a good man for a good woman. The love of good friends for each other. The love of parents for children, and children for parents. The love of brothers and sisters. The memory of joy and grief, which all becomes joy when enough time has passed. This is the treasure that I have won through all the years of my journey through this life, thought Sarah. And every bit of it I'll take with me beyond the grave. I'll meet God then, Abraham promises I will, and I will take all these treasures and lay them out before his feet, for God can see them easily even if mortal men cannot. And I'll kneel before the treasures and say, "O God, I thank thee for giving these to me during my life on Earth. No daughter has been better loved than I, nor any wife, nor any mother. I never deserved them. They were not mine by right. But I hope that, having been given such gifts so undeservingly, I used them well, and gave back to thee a life that was worthy."

And I thought to myself how well said that was.

Is It For Real?

2005-01-05T22:56:00.000-08:00

I was listening to my morning radio show the other day. The people who DJ the show are really talented. They have just the right mixture of depth, humor, warmth, vulnerability, silliness and love for each other to make their show worth listening to. Such a diverse group of people, too. I've listened to them for at least 16 years, following them from station to station as they moved around throughout their career.

The other morning, their topic of discussion was "What is the one question you can ask yourself to know whether your love is the forever kind of love."

It seemed like a fun little game, so I decided to play along. The questions were intended, of course, towards finding your soulmate.

One caller said the one question to ask yourself is "Do you need him because you want him or do you want him because you need him?"
Another caller said, "Would you love him if he had nothing?"
The next one, "Would you love him if he were a quadroplegic?"
The next one, "Can you imagine your life without him in it?"
The next one, "Are you a better person for being around him?"
The final one, which was the show stopper was "There is no question. You just know. If you're asking yourself these questions, then he's not the one."

I have to admit that I was somewhat irritated by the "final" one. I believe that, generally, teenagers do not have the life experience to "just know." They THINK they do, which is a dangerous line to walk. At that point, though, I think parents play a critical role in guiding their teenager through their decision. If the teenager disengages from the parent at that point, I think that would be a clear indication that the teenager isn't ready for a marriage. (I make that statement based on the assumption that the parent loves their child and wants what's best for them based on the parent's life experience.)

Even as a 34 year old, the "just knowing" phenomena is risky. By that age, I think we've gained life experience but, if we've been burned by bad experiences, we will likely question and analyze everything. We are not willing to trust our intuition so completely. While the questions above are fun and cliche, I think the following questions (that I received from an e-mail list I'm part of) are much more thoughtful and based on life's realities:

1. Am I able to pursue my own interests without recriminations?
2. Am I allowed to express myself in my own unique way without criticism?
3. Can I speak freely about my beliefs, spiritual path, and differences without being ignored or ridiculed?
4. Do I speak my truth easily without fear of confrontation?
5. Do I accept and tolerate, with respect, my partner's lack of knowledge or interest in any of the above?
6. I need to feel happy with myself first. Know myself well and be true to that without guilt or fear of loss. If I can be on my own in such a way that I know I don't actually need another and that I am a whole, then I am ready for a better relationship with a significant other. And that person could just as well be my partner.
7. When I leave this world, will I be content and at peace with the person I leave with, i.e. MYSELF, not the person I lived with?

It seems that so many people prepare for the wedding of the century, but they fail to look beyond that to the future of living daily with another person in close quarters. When you're searching for the Forever Friend (i.e., soulmates) you have to take a close look at everything. Marriage is a binding of all parts of you. You can't just go with your heart (i.e., you just know) when there's 3 parts of you that will marry someone.

Being a Light.

2004-12-28T10:53:00.000-08:00

In my devotions this morning, the topic was the meaning of names. It discussed Sarah's naming of her son, Isaac ... which means "laughter." In the Bible, the MEANING of the given name was oftentimes more important than the name itself. So much so, that in Genesis 35:18, Rachel named her son (as she died) Ben-Oni and was re-named Benjamin by his father.

My first name means "God is gracious or God's gracious gift" and my middle name means "joy or rejoicer." It seems I've always known the meaning of my name. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm living up to the meaning. I struggle with depression, anxiety, anger, pride, irritation, impatience and so much more on a daily basis.

Yet, last week I received an e-mail from a friend who wrote, "As I was just sitting reading your Christmas letter I was thinking what an incredible women of God you are. Thank you for sharing your journey and how in the pain you have relied on God. You are beautiful." I was so startled as I read her words, thinking she couldn't possibly mean me. I even checked to make sure I hadn't accidentally logged into someone elses e-mail account.

Her words were such an encouragement to me. We can all be an encouragement to each other, it just takes a moment of our time and a small draw from our reservoirs of empathy and compassion. We all feel sad from time-to-time. The next time we notice someone is struggling (whether in life or on blog), remember, those are the times when we need each other the most. Instead of walking or clicking away, take a moment and remind them that things will get better. Offer them a kind word. A gentle hug. Offer something so they know they're not alone.

We need each other.

This post says it better than I can ... Link.

****** Name research ******

Name meanings: Link
Name meanings: Link
Name origin: Link
If your name isn't there, they have a message board you can search (choose "all posts" vs. "recent posts"): Link

What Will We Leave Behind?

2004-12-21T10:28:00.000-08:00

As a teenager, there was a little elderly lady who lived down the road from me. She was friends with my grandpa. Her name was Elsie.

She asked me if I would like to come over once a week and roll her hair up in curlers. I said, "sure." She paid me $3 to spend some time with her and her husband, his name was Al. They had a cute little dog, I can't remember his name at the moment. Every Tuesday at 3 PM, I would arrive at her house. She washed her hair just before my arrival and we would all go out on the patio and I would put curlers in her hair. It took about a half an hour out of my day and I always enjoyed it.

She had a condition in her neck that caused her head to always sit a little sideways. Her dog had a skin condition that caused it to scratch until the furr came off and the skin would bleed. They had their health problems as they aged.

Time went by, I grew up ... moved away. About once a year I would make it over to visit with her. Her dog died. Then her husband died ... an unexpected accident. He was hit by a car while crossing the road. She eventually quit driving her pretty white sports car because she decided she wasn't a good driver. I still remember the mischevious glint she would get in her blue eyes when she'd tell me "My car is sexy!" Then she'd laugh. She was always so honest with herself and so at peace with her decisions.

The last couple of years I haven't been able to get down to see her, I live farther away. Last year, I mailed her a Christmas card and I got it back with an address change. I re-mailed it to the new address. I wondered what had happened, I enclosed my phone number since I didn't have a new one for her.

This year, I mailed her a Christmas card. I just received it in the mail this morning. It was returned to me with "Deceased" written upon the front of the envelope.

I will always remember her indomitable will, strength and perseverance through the snares that life threw at her. The chill in her house while she wore a sweater. Not because she was poor, but because she was frugal. Her kindness and pleasure whenever she saw me. She made her needs known but was never clingy. She loved her plants and was always lovingly pruning them or planning what plant she was going to move where. She enjoyed her "sexy" car.

When I think of her, the mental image in my mind is of her walking with her husband and dog, a great big smile on her face that never faced directly forward. I like to think that she's doing that in Heaven today.

God bless you, Elsie Surtees. I love you.

A Woman's Needs.

2004-12-15T22:09:00.000-08:00

I just watched the tape of Dr. Phil's show from last Thursday. He had a couple on who are trying to put their marriage back together.

After discussing several things with them Dr. Phil asked the husband, "Do you love your wife?" He replied, "Yes, I do." Dr. Phil asked what that means to him and he replied "Companionship, friendship, togetherness."

Then Dr. Phil turned to the wife and asked her if she loved her husband. After a pause, she replied, "Yes." Dr. Phil queried, "Even though he's hurt you and put you down, you still love this man? Why?"

She started choking up and said. "We have three kids together, we've been through a lot. I just do." When Dr. Phil pressed her, she said, "He's a good provider ... I don't know. I don't know why I love him."

LINK

I thought to myself, "How sad ... she doesn't know why she loves him. Maybe because she doesn't anymore. She only says so because it's a habit."

Dr. Phil said that his job is to listen to what people say, but more than that, to listen to and hear what people DON'T say.

Dr. Phil turned to the husband and said, "Let me tell you what I just heard. I just asked your wife why she loved you. She said, 'We have three kids together, we've been through a lot, and he's a good provider.' Oh, be still my heart. Not one emotional need did she mention that you are meeting. She didn't say, 'I love him because he loves me.' She didn't say, 'I love him because he makes me feel safe and secure and valued and beautiful and sexy and desirable and interesting. And I feel better about me when I'm around him.'"

AND, then, I thought to myself, "Gentlemen, Dr. Phil just told you precisely what every single woman on this planet needs. He just gift wrapped and handed to you for Christmas the operation manual for women."

Then, I went down the checklist ... because that's what this woman does and went, "Yep, my Tony meets EVERY SINGLE ONE ... and then some."

Me thinks he's a keeper.

Mire of Depression.

2004-12-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, from the mire of depression can come the simplest of words that remind of what will be our rope to grab hold to and climb back up the slide.

For me, the words of a song that I learned as a child:

Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong.
Yes, Jesus loves me.

And, this verse I read during my devotions:

Psalm 48:14
For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.

Depression is not an easy thing to experience. It is even more difficult when it stems from hormones. Hormonal depression is not helped by positive thoughts. I have to search for things that will give me hope. Hope is the simplest word. Yet, hope is what keeps me alive.

Not Done.

2004-12-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

After playing hooky for two weeks (one week I went over to Saddleback, last week I was ill) I went back to my home church this morning. As I was driving there, I felt such a sense of anticipatory joy. When I arrived, I settled in and listened to the band practice; I so enjoyed it. The message was delivered by Pastor Brad, whose teaching style clicks with my learning style.

I did feel a bit of longing to sing with the worship team again. The drummer told me he missed "the pretty part in Wonderful One that you sing." Awww. I didn't even know he could hear me sing that part, I thought he just listened to his drums in his headset. He said he was going to look at me when that part was supposed to be sung. I grinned and said "I'll stick my tongue out at you." He laughed and replied, "People have done worse."

It felt like I had come home.

The Healing Power of Prayer

2004-12-02T10:52:00.000-08:00

The Healing Power of Prayer
From Reader's Digest, December 2004, Page 179
By Jennifer Matlack

Have a little faith -- and lower your risk of depression, heart disease and more.

AFTER undergoing a bone marrow transplant for lymphatic cancer last year, Mike Coyne, 33, of Whitman, Massachusetts, credits his healing to his doctors -- and his faith. Prayer provided him with reassurance that everything would be okay. "It gave me strength and peace," says Coyne. That may be why so many of us turn to faith for healing. According to a National Institutes of Health survey of 31,000 people, prayer is the most commonly used form of alternative medicine.

"Spiritual people tend to be optimistic and have more self-esteem and social support, factors that improve health," says Yale researcher Holly Prigerson. She found that bereaved people who used religion to cope needed fewer doctor visits than those who didn't. Other research has shown that prayer improves heart disease, hypertension and cancer. The idea that faith can heal is controversial, but recent studies report positive findings:

Depression deterrent. In a 2004 Duke University Medical Center study of 838 hospitalized older adults, those who were more religious had fewer symptoms of depression and better cognitive function than patients who were not spiritual. And in another study earlier this year, Yale University School of Medicine doctors reported that poor people in urban areas who believed in a higher power were less likely than their nonspiritual peers to be depressed during hard times.

Heart helper. Doctors at Italy's University of Pavia found that adults who recited the rosary had improved lung and heart function. In a study of 999 cardiac patients from the Mid America Heart Institute of St. Luke's Hospital, those who unknowingly had others praying for them fared better than heart patients who didn't receive intercessory prayers.

Mood enhancer. In a 2004 study at the University of Washington, people who had strong faith were more optimistic before undergoing heart surgery; other studies have shown that prayer promotes healing post-surgery.

Worth Remembering ...

2004-11-23T23:26:00.000-08:00

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

Starting the Trip to Go Full Circle.

2004-11-17T01:52:00.000-08:00

Have you ever embarked on a journey, a working journey? One where you know you'll be back where you started from but everything will seem different because of what you learned while you were on that journey?

That's how I feel right now. I feel like there are jugglers inside of me and all their balls are in the air. I should be in bed. But I am so torn up inside over my decision about the worship team and trying out a different church. These are two really huge decisions for me. I just keep telling myself that they aren't permanent.

I also feel like I'm questioning a lot of things in my spiritual life. One of the questions I have I will be posting on my daily life blog because I have a more diverse readership over there.

I've also been reading a lot of different blogs of people who don't believe in God at all. In fact, they think that those of us who do are stupid and foolish. Yet, I read their writings and do not see any peace ... I only see hatred, anger, bitterness and sadness. They are blazing their trail of athiesm with the fire of their angry wit. I would not want to live my life that way.

I have to trust God that he will take care of me on my "questioning journey" and bring me back to the home of his arms after my mental travels.

Worship Team ... resolution?

2004-11-16T23:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight I sent the following e-mail to the worship team leader:

Hi John, I've really been struggling lately with my health and energy levels. And, while I have immensely enjoyed being on the worship team, for now, it's just too much for me. I offer you a heartfelt apology because I feel like I'm letting you guys down. I hope you understand. I'm sorry ... Jeanette

This was so difficult for me. After I sent it, I sat here and cried for about five minutes. Have I ever mentioned that I intensely dislike change?

Yet, I really think God is calling me to attend a different church. There is a church (church 2) that has intrigued me for quite awhile. The thought of church 2 tickles my mind at intermittent intervals. I really feel a calling to try it out. If my intuition is wrong and I return to attending church 1 (and the worship team) then I haven't burned any bridges by "rocking the boat" and I can address the other stuff at a later date.

So, why do I feel like Seinfeld did when he tried out another barber? (sniffle)

Worship Team ... To Stay Or Go.

2004-11-12T13:33:00.000-08:00

The first Sunday in August, I joined the worship team at church (Link). Making that commitment was a huge thing for me as I do not make or take my commitments lightly.

For the last month, however, I have been re-evaluating whether the decision to join was the right one or whether I should find another place to serve within the church.

Time Commitment -- The rehearsal time required seems to be growing by leaps and bounds. On Thursday nights there have been a couple of times when I arrive home around 11 PM. By way of justification, the team leader has been incorporating new songs, which adds to the rehearsal time. But, most of the rehearsal time is used by the band. They spend a lot of time fine tuning rhythm or chords. Necessary for them, but unnecessary for me. I'm just a vocalist. And, my energy level has not been that great lately and is practically gone at that time of night.

Favoritism -- We have a lead singer, *John. There are three back up vocalists, *Sam, *Ron and me. Then we have a keyboardist who also attempts to sing, *Linda. The other player in this scenario is *Kelsey, the sound guy.

*For anonymity, all names have been changed.

Because Linda's primary function is keyboards, she often sings intermittently and doesn't always pay attention to tone. Which means that she often sings off key. She's an alto and stretches for notes that are out of her range and usually hits them flat. The sound guy, however, mixes her nearly as loud as the lead singer. Because of my perfectionist nature this has, in all honesty, bothered me some.

Last night, however, the sound guy approached the back up singers (except Linda) and told us that we needed to take note of how John works his microphone and when we get "hot" vocally, we need to pull our microphones away. Then he looked at me and said, "You know, when you hit your high notes, pull the mic away." I said, "I do ..." (remembering specifically that there were a couple of occasions I had the mic at least 12" away from my mouth last service.) He then extrapolated about how last week we were hitting some high notes and it just "overpowered the sound system." He went on to say that he would turn us up in our monitor so that we could hear ourselves better, but we have to help him by working our mics and then he would help us. I didn't say anything more, thinking maybe he was right. It struck me as odd, though, that he was complaining about the strength of my voice when just three weeks ago they switched my mic to a more sensitive one so they could hear me better.

Emotionally, as a performer, I felt deflated and unenthusiastic throughout rehearsal. (Note: Do not critique a performer BEFORE they perform.) I also feel unenthusiastic and trapped by thoughts of future rehearsals and performances. I love singing but not in an unfriendly environment.

That feeling was not improved by the many gremlins and bugs we encountered throughout rehearsal last night. Our monitors were not calibrated properly and all we could hear were instruments and even those sounded like they were in a tunnel. John kept messing up the songs because he was so distracted by the bad sound. Nothing Kelsey did was able to fix the problem. In fact, Kelsey seemed rather apathetic to our requests to turn down the instruments and turn up our vocals.

I prayed all through rehearsal, trying to figure out what was going on. Is this an ego issue for me? Maybe partly. But, then, I'm oversensitive to that possibility, because when I joined I was afraid that I would have ego problems by doing this.

As I left rehearsal last night, I drove home listening to the CD of last week's service. To my ear, there was no point that mine or Sam's vocals were overpowering or over modulated. In fact, it was one of the best mixes I've ever heard of our group. The one thing that WAS noteworthy is that Linda's vocals were tempered to about the same level as the rest of the background vocals and at some points, her vocals were drowned out.

Did I mention that Linda and Kelsey are married?

The Decision -- I realize that we are singing for God's glory. However, to be the best we can be, I really think we need to work as a team on our sound. That means that the mix of the vocals should be precise and unbiased. I believe Kelsey's critique was unfounded, unwarranted and based on a personal bias towards his wife.

I'm meeting with Sam this afternoon to provide him a copy of last week's service. If he feels the same as I do after listening to it, I think the next step is to talk to John about how we feel. If nothing is resolved, it will be back to the prayer board to determine if the worship team is the right place for me to serve.

Warning: Fragile Heart

2004-11-08T14:01:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned that God is teaching me to trust?

Do you have any idea how difficult that is for someone who trusted someone with their tender heart and it was very badly abused? Yet, God keeps plugging away. Little pushes at a time.

Yesterday, mid-morning, my fiance and I had a conversation via telephone. I had received an upbeat voice mail from him and called him back to share excitement. He was at lunch with his parents and other people and he concluded the conversation extremely abruptly, making me feel as if he were blowing me off.

This wounded my heart, because he is not usually like that. The worst part of it was, that it reminded me of how I used to be treated by my X. But, even worse than that, I instinctively reacted the way I used to react with my X. I retreated into a place of loneliness and sadness. Gradually, anger took over, and I turned off all my phones. Then I became sad again.

Twelve hours later, I saw on my caller ID that my precious fiance had called. I called him back and he immediately knew something was wrong by the tone of my voice. I told him and we both started crying. I learned that he hadn't heard much of anything I had said because of our cell phone connections and the loudness of the restaurant he had been visiting. He had never, ever intended to hurt me. And, I realized I should have called him back immediately instead of waiting 12 hours. Then, I wouldn't have felt hurt all day and he wouldn't have felt bad that he didn't know I was hurt all day.

Isn't that how God wants us to interact with Him? Immediately coming to Him with our problems? Never waiting.

The more I trust, the more vulnerable I become. The lyrics to a Jewel Kilcher song come to mind as I sit here finishing this post. Ironically, the song is the same title as my post. Warning: Fragile Heart

Old Question. New Answer.

2004-11-04T10:34:00.000-08:00

If one likes to be honest with people, how much of a struggle is it when you're having a down period and someone perkily inquires, "How are you today??"

I don't ever want to drag someone down and the overused answer of "fine" is hardly ever true. I have tried different variations of "alright", "okay" or "getting by." But those all create huge concerns to people that I don't necessarily want to share the nitty gritty of my life with. Yet, I still can't seem to answer "fine" just to get past them without seeming rude.

My latest attempt at answering this question is to name the day of the week. So, that conversation goes like this:

Greeter: "How are you today?"
Answer: "Well, it's Thursday."

Amazingly, this seems to inspire great waves of conversation. One woman actually replied to me the following:

Greeter: "Yes. Hey, it IS Thursday! Wow, just another day to the weekend! Thanks for the uplifting thought."

I kid you not. I figure next I'll move on to listing geography. This opens up so many more answers! Like this:

Greeting: "How are you today?"
Answer: "Oh, I'm feeling like Oklahoma today, I think."

But, then, yesterday I was inspired by an e-mail devotion I received. Why not quote scripture references? This might go like this:

Greeter: "How are you today?"
Answer: "Oh, I'm definitely feeling 2 Corinthians 4:8-11 today."

(sigh) Hmm. Well, we are supposed to be witnesses, right?

Everyone On Their Own Merit.

2004-11-03T16:30:00.000-08:00

In my neighborhood it seems a lot of the children have become old enough to ride skateboards. It is an ongoing issue and seems to be gaining momentum. My home is on the corner of the entrance to the community, so there are a lot of cars that go past my home. Directly across the street from my home are a couple of stairs, kitty-corner from my home is a stairway of about 8 stairs and beside my home is a curb. For this reason, the area just outside my home is a very popular skateboarding destination for neighborhood kids.

The homeowner's association has declared skateboarding within the community to be against the rules and regulations. This very issue has been addressed repeatedly with no solution in sight. The skateboard wheels are destructive to the stairs. It is very noisy. It is a busy street and a car could harm them if they are hit.

I am perpetually going out and requesting the children move on and find another place to do their activities. Unfortunately, my requests are never well-received. They will circle around, wait five minutes and come back. Usually accompanied by a defiant "Why do we have find another place to play?" question. (sigh) So, the other day, I came up with The Grand Idea to take the violator's picture.

The kid whose picture I snapped the other day initially copped an attitude. Asking me why he wasn't allowed to skateboard there. Said I couldn't just take his picture. I responded with, you can't just skateboard there. He asked why not, I told him it was against the community rules. That there were signs posted. blah blah blah. I was frustrated and had, unwittingly, grouped all skateboarders into the pigeonhole of "nuisance".

I asked God to protect my home from vandalism and for guidance on how to handle this new challenge. A couple minutes later, the kids came back and rang my doorbell. At first, I wasn't going to answer, I hate conflict. But then I felt compelled to talk to them. As it turns out, I am so grateful that I did talk to them. I gained a new respect for them ... children on the brink of being teenagers. They had some valid points and we reached a mutual respect. I also learned that the neighborhood does NOT have signs, so even if we called the sheriff (as the community newsletter instructs us to do), they would not be able to enforce anything.

Skateboarding is not a crime. Skateboarders are not criminals. They are just kids trying to have fun. I need to try harder to not be the "mean-old-lady-who-lives-there". And, we need to have signs posting the rules. Just as we are all walking our path of life, these kids are learning their way, too.

The Road to Get There.

2004-10-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

As I drive home every day from work, I head towards the mountains in the distance. My housing development is backed up against the Cleveland National Forest Preserve. The view I see as I drive home is spectacular. The undeveloped area attracts “weather”. Oftentimes, it is sprinkling or raining at my house when it wasn’t at work.

But, every time I drive home, I feel as if God is using it as an object lesson.

I can see where I want to be, where I need to be, but I cannot see the roads that I need to take to get there. I know the direction to travel but I don’t know what obstacles I may face as I move forward. Sometimes, I may need to stop and wait while others cross my path. Other times I may need to pause while I refuel my car. There are times when I need to slow down because of hazardous weather. Just as there are times when I must speed up to get out of someone’s way.

It seems as if the need to stop or pause, emotionally and physically, have been constants in my life for the last two years. Yet, as I work through each thing … and, yes, I do mean work … I can see where I want to be, eventually.

Someday, my dream is to have a husband who loves me just because of who I am. And am not. With no ulterior motives or hidden agenda. Just me. And, I want to be able to love and respect that husband without being afraid that he’ll use my vulnerabilities against me. Someday, I want to have children with that man. Maybe two or three, if God is willing. Someday, I want to have a big, old house, somewhere in the middle states with a big, wrap around porch. I want our kids to know and adore their grandparents. I want to hear lots of laughter and joy in our house. I want to feel safe in my husband’s love and provision for our family.

The man whom I believe that God intends to be my husband proposed to me (and I accepted) on Saturday. He and I have had some serious discussions since Saturday. Unfortunately, many of my concerns don’t have a ready resolution to them and will only be resolved through time. But, my fiancé reminded me that we’ll take tiny steps together and that if we’re meant to be married, God will help us work out the problems.

Yes, I can see where I want to be. But I still have to travel the road to get there.

Being Available.

2004-10-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

I had an "aha" moment yesterday. For several years now, I have been struggling with an irritation with people, complete strangers, thinking that I am approachable. I have people yell questions out their windows at me as I'm stopped at a stoplight. People are constantly coming up to me in the store to ask me questions. Simple questions, really, but nevertheless an interruption to my day. It has constantly annoyed me.

My post office has a ticket dispenser and the number you pull saves your spot in line. Just last week a guy came up to me in the post office and asked what number they were on. I pointed to the board that displayed the current number and he left me alone. Yesterday, again in the post office, a woman who spoke little to no English and wrote even less, got up from her bench, bypassed six other people and came straight to me and started pointing at things on a form she was filling out. I had no clue what she was trying to say, fortunately, one of the postal workers saw the problem and called her up to the desk. My reactions weren't so bad, but my attitude behind my reactions (which were hidden deep inside me) were nasty and irritable.

My heart muttered a prayer, "Why, Lord? Why did you make me so approachable? I don't like interruptions. I don't like people asking me questions." I was startled when a silent voice whispered in my mind "This is practice. Practice for something in the future. Remember kindness."

That answer scared me. What does He have in store for my future? But it also intrigued me. Because, again, what does He have in store?

1 Peter 4
⁹Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. ¹⁰Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. ¹¹If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

God Gives Peace.

2004-10-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

I have been asking God for peace. And, I feel so at peace right now. There are lots of thoughts swirling in my mind, but they are good ones. Peaceful ones.

I love rain. Today, the Lord has given this dry California land some rain. Well, rain by California standards. He kept me safe while I drove to and from church this morning to worship Him. The roads get very slick, so much so that the weather service issues warnings of slick roads when they post that we'll be having our first rain of the season.

I always sleep well when it's raining. It's as if it cocoons me in it's peaceful rhythm. The drops touch the leaves of my plants outside my bedroom window, splashing and dropping, softly, so softly.

It is late afternoon now, though, and I have peaceful worship music playing in the background. The rain comes and goes. My cats are bounding up and down the hallway. I see little furrballs with tails raised high as they run past my office door.

I have good smelling candles lit throughout the house, gingerbread, cinnamon, pumpkin spice. My front screen door is open, keeping just a slight chill throughout my home. I have warm clothes on; the softest jeans I own, a soft turtleneck and socks with kitty eyes on them.

So much I have because of God's grace.

Psalm 4
⁸ I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone,
O LORD , make me dwell in safety.

Learning to Praise While God Moves.

2004-10-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

In the past week or so, I have had a couple of experiences which lead me to believe that God is teaching me to focus on Him while he fights the battles that come up in my life.

The first situation was last Thursday night, while my body rebelled at the artificial hormones I'm putting into it to retard endometriosis growth, I couldn't get the worship songs out of my head that I had just practiced with my worship team. As my heart pounded quickly in the throes of a hot flash, my mind woefully sang "Jesus, Lamb of God, Worthy is Your name ... ". I became frustrated, was there no part of my body that I could control? The only thing I wanted to do was SLEEP!! Finally, since abrupt sounds were triggering my hot flashes, I stuffed ear plugs in and succumbed to humming worship songs. I was, finally, able to sleep.

In 2 Chronicles 20, King Jehoshaphat was facing battle with a "vast army" (vs. 2). He stressed out about it but immediately brought it to the Lord. He acknowledged his people's weaknesses and inability to defend themselves against so many. He was told (vs. 15) "the battle is not yours, but God's." In verse 21, we learn what Jehoshaphat & his people did to "win" the battle:

²¹ After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the LORD and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: "Give thanks to the LORD, for his love endures forever."

The singing caused such confusion and distraction amongst their enemies that they (the enemy) set about destroying each other instead of the Israelites. Not only did the Israelites win the battle, but they reaped so much bounty from the dead enemy it took them three days to collect it all.

The second situation was the homeowner's meeting last night regarding the security screen door that the Board asked me and 12 other people in my community to remove. Mostly, I believe the Board has a personal preference against these types of doors and in their attempt to "clean up the neighborhood" they have a misguided perception that security screen doors are contributing to a tacky neighborhood. Nevermind the true causes (such as dirty diapers sitting atop the garbage bin housing, abandoned cars taking up much needed parking spots, teenagers on motorized scooters who ride endlessly around the neighborhood, children who skateboard and bike off stairs into busy streets ... the list goes on and on).

I've been praying about this situation since July, increasing my prayers as the Board's immovable attitude increased. I felt led to canvass the neighborhood with a petition. When someone who I trust in his honesty told me not to waste my time, I still felt led to canvass, but focused specifically on people who have doors like mine.

Two nights ago in my nightly devotions, I read Ezra, chapters 4, 5 & 6. This text refers to the Israelites rebuilding their Lord's temple. Satan moved against them with false friends, frustration, discouragement and a misinformed king. The people, however, stayed honest & forthright, respectful of the king and true to the Lord. They consistently put the Lord first in all that they were doing. The Lord did what only the Lord could do ... he changed the king's heart, who then allowed the people to continue and complete their work.

Ezra 6
²² For seven days they celebrated with joy the Feast of Unleavened Bread, because the LORD had filled them with joy by changing the attitude of the king of Assyria, so that he assisted them in the work on the house of God, the God of Israel.

Last night at the Board meeting, it appears that the Board may be having a change of heart. They are allowing us to, for now, keep our security doors. I wonder, though, what the Lord's purpose in this could be? For this cannot possibly be just about a screen door.

Singing praise to the Lord, staying steadfast and faithful in Him doesn't, on the surface, seem so hard to do. And, yet, I perpetually find myself asking God for strength to do even that. Ahhh, how weak I am without Him.

Five Things

2004-10-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

This morning I was listening to my morning radio show out of San Diego. There are 5 DJs who go in every morning at about 6 AM and talk for four hours. As my alarm went off this morning, they were discussing how to tell someone in five items what they are about. Wow. The diversity of each person's list was amazing.

But one of my favorite word games I like to play with myself is what three words would you use to describe someone you know, so how much more difficult could this be? I get two more slots!

So, here's my list of five things attempting to define who I am:

1. Faithfulness -- One of my primary goals is to be faithful to God, digging into His Word, worshipping Him and helping others to worship Him.

2. Hormonal -- I have a lot of trouble with hormonal fluctuations due to endometriosis. I wish there was a cure, for now we are trying various things to control it.

3. Grateful Heart -- I am grateful for the people in my life. Tony, Caryl, Susan, Tracey, Jae, Keith, Amie, Lourinda, Val, Mickey, Clay ... the list goes on and on. Also, my two cats bring laughter to me when I am down.

4. Music -- I love to sing, I love to touch people through music. Oftentimes if I cannot speak how I feel, a melody or song can externalize it for me.

5. Loyal -- I am very loyal to my friends and family. Sometimes too loyal.

Why do Good Things Make Me Cry?

2004-10-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with a man who has been a friend for about 4 years. He's a lawyer. I called him for free legal advice because he's smart. He hooked in a friend of his who is an expert on the matter I was calling him about. Within minutes I had the legal verbal ammo that I need to present tomorrow night at the meeting about my screen door.

But more than that, I know that if the battle that is fought tomorrow night isn't a "win", they will rally behind me with a "lawyer letter."

After chit chatting for about a minute and an abrupt ending (hey, he's a busy man and I like abrupt phone calls, regardless), I hung up the phone and was all choked up. Why? I got what I needed, legal support, emotional support ...

Why am I so stunned when my friends support me? Why do I get emotional when someone comes through for me? How did I come to believe I am so alone? Intellectually, I know that I am never alone. But, it seems my heart has trouble believing that.

Proverbs 3:
³ Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
⁴ Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

Blessed to Live In America.

2004-10-07T14:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I watched the Oprah show (Link). She, through video, went around the world and stepped into lives of 30-ish women, to find out how they live. What are their luxuries or greatest heartaches.

In Kuwait, natives live in posh homes and shop their days away. Their wedding gift from the government is $12,000 and their college is paid for. The only drawback is that women can't vote.

In South Korea, the women were extremely shy and reticent. Laughing softly, giggling really, covering their mouths. Their interviewer said it was really difficult to get the women to talk openly about their culture. Something like 80% of 30 year old Korean women have had plastic surgery on their face, attempting to make their eyes more round, like Western women. Being a parent is really big to them, as well.

In Iraq, the women live in fear of death. Many women do not come out of their homes for days on end because they are afraid of being shot for their existence. They have limited and regulated electricity, on two hours, off two hours. They own shotguns and know how to use them. Many are addicted to valium. No prescription is required and it costs about $.20 per bottle. The benefit of using valium is it allows them not to care about their situation.

In Cuba, divorce is rampant. By the time a woman is 30 it is not uncommon to have been divorced three times and have had four abortions (they're free). Divorce costs less than $5 (if both parties agree) and is done in front of a notary. The common wage is $23 per month, but the government covers some food, college and medical. Doctors live in the same cramped, non-private style that dancers or waiters do.

In Mexico, Oprah interviewed a woman who is a TV star. She said that it is placed upon women to be sexy, wear tight fitting skirts and high-heeled shoes. The reason for that is because if the husband strays, he can claim that his wife didn't satisfy him and therefore it's her fault that he strayed. The result is that she will get no financial support.

In Rowanda, women are recovering from the war that wiped out nearly 1 million of them 10 years ago. The woman they interviewed watched 16 of her family members get slaughtered. When it came to be her turn, they raped her repeatedly, so much so that they were too tired to kill her. It was then that she escaped. She now has a 10 year old son (from the rape) and three children (orphans from the war) that she is raising.

Oprah asked her how it was that she has been able to move forward and gain peace in her life, and look at the blessings instead of the past. Her answer was "I gave my life to Christ."

Encouragement From Above.

2004-10-03T19:55:00.000-07:00

Last night I came home distraught and discouraged. (Link to my daily blog for explanation.)

I wondered to myself if I am doing the right thing. It seemed so when I started this. I prayed to God several nights, asking Him if this is what I should be doing. In response, I received encouragement from one neighbor and two friends. So, I started this immense and overwhelming project.

I was so discouraged last night, I can't even begin to articulate. I walked in the door and just wanted to cry. In fact, I did cry to God in prayer. Asking Him to show me, again, if this is what I should be doing. It would be so easy just to give up and give in.

As I did my devotions last night, God brought this verse to my attention:

2 Chronicles 20
¹⁷ You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.

This morning as I readied for church, I turned on the Christian radio station and the pastor was speaking on how we all have been down and discouraged. And, as I turned to my morning devotions, the same verse that the radio pastor had quoted for the foundation of his message was the first verse listed for my meditation:

Deuteronomy 31
⁸ The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

The Lord does seem to have a pattern in my life of repeating himself three times when I've asked Him for guidance. I wonder what his purpose in this is. It is, after all, just a silly door. What could God possibly be hoping to achieve by having me go door-to-door in my neighborhood?

Love ... A Gift or Dilemma.

2004-09-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

We, as humans, seem to spend an inordinate amount of time questioning the why's and wherefore's of love ... the reasons behind it ... is it real ... will it last. Businesses are built on the premise of bringing love together. The music industry, it seems is founded on the lyrical exploration (exploitation?) of love ... from the magical "falling in love" stage and all other variations of it. Love has become an industry.

On top of that, there are so many types of love. The English language does so little to define. This explanation (Link), found on Wikipedia, delves into the various types of love, as defined through exploration of other languages and other means.

In this article (Link), the author expounds the benefits of being single/alone. Only to conclude that perhaps she isn't as alone as she thought. It's cliche, I know, but truly, everyone needs someone.

In one of my e-mail devotions, the topic of love was discussed. (Link) Indeed, there is a cost of loving and making yourself vulnerable. But at the opposite end of the spectrum is coldness and isolation.

C.S. Lewis writes about love:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries ...lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemmable...The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell!"

I have wished sometimes that I could see myself through my beloved's eyes. Sometimes I ponder what is lovable about myself. Especially when it seems that more often than not I am in some hormonal quandary of sorts.

Yet, the question that always seems to provide the answer for me when I am down, and is to what I perpetually return: Isn't love a precious gift? And, wasn't the greatest gift of love given to me by my Heavenly Father?

Perhaps love isn't so very complex at all. The only action required by me is the acceptance of the gift.

Psalm 138
⁷ Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.
⁸ The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD , endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands.

God's Blessing of Friendship.

2004-09-28T14:45:00.000-07:00

"Friendship is knowing the worst about each other and choosing to believe the best." -- Patsy Clairmont

For a couple of years now I have wanted to create "Thanksgiving" cards for my dearest and closest girlfriends and give them the cards at Thanksgiving. Yet, I can never seem to find the words to tell them how precious each of them are to me.

I have my real mom, Caryl, and two substitute mothers, Susan and Mickey. I also have two substitute sisters, Tracey and Jae. The Lord's way of bringing each of us together as friends leaves me speechless. And they have stayed there, never wavering ... even when they learned the worst about me, they stood strong in their encouragement to me.

It is interesting to me how different each of these women are, particularly in what they "do" everyday. Because of their diversity, I tried to pinpoint what the common thread is that runs through them. I once described it as "being down to earth." Then I saw this post (Link) on Debra's blog and knew immediately THAT is the similarity. These women are all "Down-Home Folks." Amazingly resilient and practical in their approach to life. They are straight forward in their beliefs. There is no "in between the lines" or head games. Intelligent, strong-willed, resolute, loving, caring and kind are characteristics of these women.

I am eternally grateful to them for their friendship and to the Lord for bringing us together.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 -- Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Laughter ... God's Gift to Me.

2004-09-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

I found myself laughing yesterday. The kind of laughter that comes from the soul ... happy laughter, the type you don't think about first, it just happens. It wasn't a courtesy laugh, it was a great big belly laugh. It happened several times yesterday. And it startled me each time.

The first time it happened was around 9:20 AM. The worship team at church were gathered in the prayer room getting ready to commit our service to the Lord. As we all settled in, Pastor Brad took a Bible that the keyboardist was holding from her hands, asking what she was reading. He opened it and was amazed to find his Grandfather's name in it. It wasn't his Grandpa's "personal Bible", there were no notes or anything in it, but nonetheless he was startled to realize that it belonged to his family and his face reflected that. Everyone in the room laughed with him.

The second time it happened was in the afternoon when my smallest cat took the twine off the newspaper and started flipping it around and, then, after a ballet-like performance that should've been on the finest stage, hauled butt with it down the hallway.

The third time it happened was when I put a cooling pad (shaped to put around your neck, rather like those neck pillows you see) around my head to help my headache. I looked up at my wonderful Tony and said "kiss me". He started laughing at me and said "No way. You look like a toilet seat with that thing on your head, I'm not kissing a toilet seat!" (Of course, after we stopped laughing, he did give me a kiss ... "toilet seat" and all.)

Simple and innocent things, really. The best kind of joy. And I thank God for those opportunities to laugh from my heart. Just as the heavens, earth, sea, fields and trees rejoice and praise the Lord, so do I.

Psalm 96
¹¹Let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad; let the sea roar, and the fulness thereof.
¹²Let the field be joyful, and all that is therein: then shall all the trees of the wood rejoice

Divorce ... God's View?

2004-09-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

I know that my God is a forgiving God. Yet the "sin of divorce" weighs heavily on my mind. I know that there is nothing quite like the human mind when it comes to justifying its own sins. I seek you, Lord, not with the intention of justifying my sin but trying to understand how I am to move beyond the hurts in the past, requesting your guidance to show me your beliefs regarding divorce and remarriage.

For so long, I have believed that divorce is a sin. That marriage is a God-ordained institution. And, that what God has joined together let no man put asunder. Yet, surely, I thought, a God who is as compassionate as the scriptures set forth would not want a partner in a marriage to suffer with a man who goes against everything that God teaches, would he?

The longer I stayed in the marriage the more my light for God was snuffed. My health suffered. My energy lagged. My individuality disappeared. I felt my life was not worth living. My spouse was, for all intents and purposes, smothering me. The only time I came alive was at work and he only wanted me to work so he could afford his hobbies. I hated that I had to justify my existence to him.

Divorce, for me, was one of the most indescribably difficult decisions that I have ever made. In fact, I sat here for about a minute pondering what adjective I could put in that sentence to summarize the amount of tears I shed, sometimes I felt as if my very soul was being ripped apart inside. It was as if my entire world was shaken by an earth splitting earthquake. Parts of me fell down in the abyss to never be seen again. There is no single descriptive single word that could be put into that sentence. It wasn't possible.

Knowing that I have sought the Lord's forgiveness repeatedly for this sin, I was led today to this scripture:

Deuteronomy 24
¹ When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.
² And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife.

Followed by finding this website (Link). As I scrolled down the page, I learned that there is a distinction, even in the Bible of separation and divorce. The author of this website analyzes the verses, pointing out that many of the scriptures used to discuss remarriage are really, in fact, about separation. Explaining that God is against remarriage if the couple is SEPARATED (referred to as "putting away"). But that God has NEVER denied a remarriage if the first couple is DIVORCED. God does not like divorce, but is it not true that God is practical? Could it be possible that God understood the necessity of divorce in certain cases and set forth rules concerning the procedure?

It has always been important to me to know the rules and follow them. As a small child, I remember looking forward to the first day of school so that I could learn what was to be expected of me. The only time I got into trouble was when I didn't know something was expected or a misunderstanding had occurred of the expectation.

Dear Lord, did you show me these scriptures today so that I know your rules? So that I could move forward in my life? That perhaps the Biblical scholars of today are fuzzy in their distinction between separation and divorce? Are you telling me that you've forgiven me and to quit dwelling on it?

Religion ... Tradition or Tribulation?

2004-09-22T15:49:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation last December wherein someone said, "It doesn't matter what religion you are so long as you treat people right and you worship the one true God." The idea being that the rote of religion is merely an embodiment of different traditions and that God doesn't care how you worship Him, so long as you do worship Him.

I pondered that for awhile and then, as is my way, decided to do some research. I came across an Internet quiz which determines through questions what religion the quiz taker is and compares that result against the beliefs of other religions. My results (Link) indicated that I am a mainline to conservative Christian/Protestant and there is a 20% difference between my beliefs and Mormonism and a 31% difference to that of Roman Catholics.

Don't people normally align themselves with a church or religion that reflects their beliefs? And if a person's belief varies so greatly from one to another, is it possible that the primary foundation for religions are "treating others right" and "worshipping the one true God". Aren't there a couple of key points missing from that statement?

I was taught from the Bible that the first and foremost thing is to realize that each of us is a sinner. That Jesus came to earth to die for our sins. That the only way to acquire and have assurance of salvation/eternal life is to yield in prayer to the Lord and accept him into your "heart" as your personal saviour. That it is not possible to "work" or be good for your salvation.

Is it possible that the confusion of religion and worshipping of idols is Satan's work? Would it be incorrect or over the edge to say that if people worship idols they are, indirectly, worshipping Satan? If not, then why did God become repeatedly upset and angry with His chosen people when they worshipped idols?

If I could, at this belated date give a response to the statement that was made 9 months ago, I suppose it would be something like this ... I agree that we need to worship the one true God. I believe that we do have the ability to speak directly to God, I don't know whether he cares if we are driving along or on bended knee, so long as we are respectful. If our collective goal as human beings is to have eternal life, then I don't think that "treating people right" quite makes the cut. I believe that it has more to do with accepting Christ as your personal saviour.

I Missed It or Did I?

2004-09-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

I have been traveling this past week, visiting my friend in Texas and my aunt in Iowa. I attended my aunt's church (Link) with her this past Sunday. The Deacon's message centered around Luke 16:1-13 (Link).

The Deacon intoned that many Bible scholars agreed that this particular passage was about stewardship, being good stewards or keepers of the blessings that God gives to each of us. He then said that he didn't agree with these Bible scholars because *&**#(*@#*&##@.

It was at that moment that my brain was suddenly entertained with a bunch of internal noise and thoughts. I noticed that the Dean appeared to be nodding off, but maybe not. I noticed the gentleman's shirt who was sitting in front of me. I noticed the lady's dress sitting across from me. I was distracted by the beauty of the stained glass windows. I thought about how we were going to breakfast later that day. Then, since I was in a new church, I pondered whether I should take communion there. I decided that I would. Then, since I don't drink alcohol, and they serve wine that I would have to bypass the cup but could partake of the wafers.

All of a sudden, I realized that the message was over. And that I had missed it. I was disappointed because I really had wanted to know why the Deacon disagreed with the Bible scholars of today and what he thought the parable was about if it wasn't about being good stewards.

I happily solved my problem by resolving to discuss the Deacon's message with my aunt and uncle. As it turns out, I will likely never find out because neither my aunt nor uncle were able to follow his message enough to discern his interpretation of the parable. They explained that the Deacon is in training and his message today was practice.

This situation reminded me of when in my teenage years, I attended church because it was expected of me. But, how my mind would wander during the sermon and I never really learned anything because I was too busy observing the one wavering hair on the head of the man in front of me or something.

But, really, it reminded me that before I do anything with the Lord, I need to prayerfully commit my thoughts to God so that I may truly stay focused on Him.

Prayer ... the least or the most?

2004-09-11T22:35:00.000-07:00

Every pastor I know emphasizes the importance of prayer. Prayer is your communication with God, they say.

The closeness in every relationship is defined by communication. A date between a man and a woman would not happen without someone communicating their request. You cannot have a relationship without communication.

The same is true with God.

Prayer should be the first thing I do in every situation. When I arise in the morning, before I walk out the door, when I run into a problem at work, if I can't get the tone of a letter right, before I leave work, when I get home ... every moment, I should be involving my Lord.

How many times, I think to myself, have I done everything I could possibly think to do. Except pray.

Tonight, I was reading Beverly Lewis' book, October Song. The characters in the book, Katie and Dan, have been shunned from communicating with their families by the Old Order Amish community because they believe in the grace of what Jesus' death brought to them. The Old Order Amish believe there is no assurance of salvation until judgment day (i.e., must earn salvation) and any talk of such thing is considered flagrant pride ... another sin. Katie and Dan pray every day for the salvation of their parents. The resulting realization from Katie went as follows:

"The least they could do was in effect the most they could do, believing in the power of prayer."

To that I say, "Amen."

Seeking Joy.

2004-09-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

I have struggled so much with so many things the last two years. As I've reflected upon these enormous changes, I've realized that the motivation for change stemmed from fear. The three major things that I faced down were rooted in the fear of something perpetuating or worsening ... that if I didn't change something, it would forever be that way. And, the status quo did not make me happy at all.

Fear can be a HUGE driving force. And, yet, according to the Bible, the only fear we should have is for God. Someone once said that a person who worries would be great at meditating upon the Lord's Word, worriers just need to change their focus. I'm trying, I really am.

I have not been very joyful the past two years. I haven't joyfully anticipated much of anything. In fact, there has been a lot of dread. Each day seemed to bring more physical or emotional pain. Yet these days, there seems to be less pain and more joy. I have more good days than bad. Yet, there is a lingering fear of anticipating a recurrence. This morning in my prayers I timidly asked God to let me be healthy for the next couple of weeks. It startled me that I was afraid to ask for that. It was at that moment that I realized I've really been living day-to-day. Hoping for a healthy day. To ask for two weeks seemed like too huge of a request.

The Lord is faithful to those who seek Him. And that's what I'm doing. I'm seeking and searching for Him.

Psalm 22:25-26
²⁵I will praise you among all the people;
I will fulfill my vows in the presence of those who worship you.
²⁶The poor will eat and be satisfied.
All who seek the LORD will praise him.
Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy.

Worship Team

2004-09-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

My joining of the worship team at church was the treat the Lord gave me for working so diligently through old wounds and healing them. I would have been too scared to do it sooner. It would have been too overwhelming. The Lord knew this and made sure that everything was done in its perfect time.

One Sunday, one of the female singers ended her committment to the worship team due to obligations to her children. That same Sunday, three people came up to me and suggested that I join the worship team. I had been praying for three months beforehand for the Lord to provide me with an opportunity for me to serve my church. Isn't there something about "threes" in the Bible?

As I read I Chronicles 25 last night, I realized how important it is to worship our Lord through music. In King David's time, it was so important that the musicians were appointed from specific families ... almost like a family legacy or tradition.

I Chronicles 25:
¹David and the army commanders then appointed men from the families of Asaph, Heman, and Jeduthun to proclaim God's messages to the accompaniment of harps, lyres, and cymbals.
(snip)
⁶All these men were under the direction of their fathers as they made music at the house of the LORD. Their responsibilities included the playing of cymbals, lyres, and harps at the house of God. Asaph, Jeduthun, and Heman reported directly to the king. ⁷They and their families were all trained in making music before the LORD, and each of them--288 in all--was an accomplished musician. ⁸The musicians were appointed to their particular term of service by means of sacred lots, without regard to whether they were young or old, teacher or student.

I feel so humbled and honored to have been chosen (so it seems to me) to have the responsibility of worshipping the Lord with the worship team at church. It doesn't even feel like it's a responsibility, really. It just feels right.

Tidbits.

2004-09-08T15:18:00.000-07:00

Misfits like us. Proof that God can use anyone.

Abraham was old, Jacob was insecure, Leah was unattractive, Joseph was abused, Moses stuttered, Gideon was poor, Samson was codependent, Rahab was immoral, David had an affair and all kinds of family problems, Elijah was suicidal, Jeremiah was depressed, Jonah was reluctant, Naomi was a widow, John the Baptist was eccentric to say the least, Peter was impulsive and hot-tempered, Martha worried a lot, the Samaritan woman had several failed marriages, Zacchaeus was unpopular, Thomas had doubts, Paul had poor health, and Timothy was timid.

The Bible in 50 Words

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Joseph ruled, Jacob fooled, bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, people walked, sea divided, tablets guided, promise landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, love talked, anger crucified, hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained.

I am a disciple.

“I am a disciple of Christ. I will not let up, look back or slow down. My past is redeemed, my future is secure.

I am done with low living, small planning,smooth knees, mundane talking, chincy giving and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotion or popularity.
I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised or rewarded.

My face is set; my goal is sure. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few.

My God is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, delayed or deluded.

I will not flinch in the face of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I am a disciple of Christ. I must go until He comes, speak of all I know of Him, and work until He stops me.

And when He comes for His own, by the grace of God, He will have no problem recognizing me, because my colors are clear.”

Insult Equals Battle.

2004-09-06T07:48:00.000-07:00

I Chronicles 19:1-4
¹Some time after this, King Nahash of the Ammonites died, and his son Hanun[1] became king. ²David said, "I am going to show complete loyalty to Hanun because his father, Nahash, was always completely loyal to me." So David sent ambassadors to express sympathy to Hanun about his father's death.But when David's ambassadors arrived in the land of Ammon, ³Hanun's advisers said to him, "Do you really think these men are coming here to honor your father? No! David has sent them to spy out the land so that they can come in and conquer it!" ⁴So Hanun seized David's ambassadors and shaved their beards, cut off their robes at the buttocks, and sent them back to David in shame. (Read the entire chapter, here.)

This complete misunderstanding of David's intentions on the part of King Hanun led to a battle wherein 47,000 lives were lost. 7,000 Charioteers and 40,000 foot soldiers, including the commander of the enemies armies.

I shook my head in disbeief as I read this last night, almost amused. But then I wondered, how many battles do we fight because of misunderstanding and shame? How many times do we jump to conclusions, or someone insults us and we snap back. Shouldn't we always try to get the entire story before making a decision?

God's Chosen.

2004-09-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

In my quest to be drawn back into the folds of God's will, I made a committment to myself that I would read the Bible through in its entirety. I started in I Kings. I am presently in I Chronicles.

It's almost as if I'm slowly awakening as I read his Word. I seem to notice and remember more things. I find myself asking questions about things.

Throughout the scriptures, there are so many references to the "Chosen Nation" or his "Chosen Ones". One of the questions that I'm searching to find an answer to is: How did God choose Israel as his Chosen People? What criteria did he use to choose them?

He wanted a "chosen people" to bring forth Jesus Christ into the world to be our Savior from sin and death. I know that God’s desire for Israel was that they would go and teach others about Him. Israel was to be a nation of priests, prophets, and missionaries to the world.

But why Israel? Why not the Levites? Or some other nation of people? Were the Israelites more holy than another nation? Or were they more needing of God's mercy and grace?

But, if I take the question one step further ... why does he choose ANY of us to serve Him?

So Significant.

2004-09-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the significance of Jesus' life (while tied to it, certainly, the significance of his life, in my mind, differs from the reason for his life).

His life was so short, only 33 years by all accounts. That is how old I am. I look at my life and ponder the fact that He made every moment count. I have not accomplished near what he did. I am amazed at his stamina. He walked everywhere he went. He talked to crowds of people. Talking to people is tiring ... yet he did it for hours on end.

His life was so important and universe changing that it was predicted hundreds of years earlier by prophets. The prediction of the details of his birth, life and certain death were recorded. To ensure that the people would know who he was when he arrived ... yet they didn't. Some did, but most wouldn't believe it. They were too caught up in being prideful, vengeful, living their lives for themselves. Interesting. Isn't that the way we all are today?

Yet God knew that would be the way of it.

If Jesus were to come today (instead of then), the outcome would likely be the same, I suppose. Which saddens me greatly that I wouldn't know my Messiah. Maybe I would though. But would I be open to Him?

John Vance Cheney

2004-09-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

I discovered John Vance Cheney this morning. A poem he had written was part of my morning devotions.

Who drives the horses of the sun
Shall lord it but a day;
Better the lowly deed were done,
And kept the humble way.

The rust will find the sword of fame,
The dust will hide the crown;
Ay, none shall nail so high his name
Time will not tear it down.

The happiest heart that ever beat
Was in some quiet breast
That found the common daylight sweet,
And left to Heaven the rest.

Wow. The birds outside my door trilled happily at finding fresh seeds in their feeder. My cats perched themselves as near to the door as they could without frightening the birds away. I read my devotions and wondered at the sweet simplicity of the moment.

I found another poem by Cheney on the Internet:

Not in the time of pleasure
Hope doth set her bow;
But in the sky of sorrow,
Over the vale of woe.

Through gloom and shadow look we
On beyond the years!
The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.

Indeed.

Every Detail.

2004-09-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

I had a boss once who talked very softly, never gave inflection to any particular part of what he was saying. I had to force myself to listen carefully to him. If I didn't, inevitably I would miss an important part of his instructions. Also, he was not very forgiving if I had to return to him and ask him to repeat something he had previously told me.

Fortunately, my heavenly Father IS loving and forgiving. He doesn't mind if I ask him to repeat something he's told me before. In fact, a lot of times it's right there in his Word. He put it in writing so I could return to his instructions as often as I need to. He wants me to get it right. He wants me to keep trying.

But I do find that some of the most important examples of his love and caring are stashed away amidst (in my opinion) the more boring parts of the Bible. For example, in the Old Testament, contained in I and II Kings are stories of how he cared for the poor ... even then. The woman who had nothing but oil in her pantry and the prophet told her (from God) to sell it. The oil replenished itself until she had enough money to live on.

But I also find that I need to pay attention to people in my life. Often times, God answers my questions to Him through the voices of those around me.

If I just listen ... he answers. Every single time.

This Little Child

2004-08-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

There is an older "contemporary" Christian song that I used to sing a lot when I was a teenager. It was hard for me to sing because it was in an odd range for me as the recording artist was a guy by the name of Scott Wesley Brown (the guy part being the reason it was hard for me to sing).

Recently, I found a blog that interested me, so I read some of the lady's earlier posts. I came across this post (Link) which brought to my mind the song I spoke of above. Interestingly, this song was recorded in 1981.

The lyrics to the song are:

THIS LITTLE CHILD
Chorus 1
And I believe and I will always sing
This little child is the King
O I believe and I will always sing
This little child
He is the King of kings

Verse 1
Who would of tho't that long ago
So very far away
A little child would be born
And in a manger laid
And who would have tho't this little child
Was born the King of kings
The Son of just a carpenter
For whom the angels sing
And who would have tho't that as He grew
And with other children played
This child with whom they laughed and sang
Would die for them some day
And who would have tho't this little child
Could make a blind man see
Feed the hungry make rich the poor
And set the sinner free
Oh who would have tho't this little child
Was who the prophets said
Would take away the sins of man
And rise up from the dead

Verse 2
Many years have come and gone
Yet this world remains the same
Empires have been built and fallen
Only time has made a change
Nation against nation
Brother against brother
Men so filled with hatred
Killing one another
And over half the world is starving
While our banner of decency is torn
Debating over disarmament
Killing children before they're born
And fools who march to win the right
To justify their sin
Oh ev'ry nation that has fallen
Has fallen from within
Yet in the midst of this darkness
There is a hope a light that burns
This little child the King of kings
Some day will return

Verse 3
Who would have tho't this little child
Is who the prophets said
Will return to judge this world
The living and the dead
Oh can't you see that long ago
So very far away
This little child our only hope
Was born a King that day
And can't you see that here and now
As unto Him we pray
This Lord of lords who is our hope
Is still King today
He's still the King today

I forget ... by Jeanette

2004-08-17T16:51:00.000-07:00

I forget …

I’m born a baby, few thoughts in my head.
Yet, I grow and learn to walk,
My mind fills and I learn to talk.
Impulsive and honest are the things I said.
But I don’t know you’re there.

As I grow older, I seek someone
My parents love me, I understand,
But isn’t there someone bigger than man?
An innate desire to worship The One.
I seek you to be there for me.

I discover the truth of being.
That God is my Father God,
Jesus is his son on sod,
The Holy Spirit within us living.
I accept that you’re there for me.

I’m repentant for all my wrongs,
From my sins I’m finally free,
I dance like a butterfly on the breeze,
I run ahead and believe I’m strong
I believe that you’re there for me.

I fail, I crash, I ache inside,
Things fall apart, I question why.
Life becomes hard, loved ones die.
Depression and anxiety rule my life.
I question if you’re there for me.

You breathed your life into my soul.
You created every part of me.
You cannot, will not forget me.
But I don't recall how you made me whole.
I’m not there for you.

I cannot grasp the events
That tear this world asunder.
The diseases and plights we are under,
How much evil can we invent?
I don’t believe you’re there for me.

Like damaging storms and rain,
People pass out pain all day long,
I feel alone, can’t see what went wrong,
Friends hold and help me sustain,
I’m learning that you’re there for me.

I discern that life is trying,
This world brings anguish and crying,
That pain and hurt is part of healing,
That loss and loneliness is part of smiling.
I’m accepting that I can lean on you.

I don’t know what tomorrow may bring,
Controlling the future isn’t my task.
Upon you all my worries I cast
Your strength will handle these things.
Because you’re there, you’ve always been, you are the great I am.

By Jeanette