The Road to Get There.
As I drive home every day from work, I head towards the mountains in the distance. My housing development is backed up against the Cleveland National Forest Preserve. The view I see as I drive home is spectacular. The undeveloped area attracts “weather”. Oftentimes, it is sprinkling or raining at my house when it wasn’t at work.
But, every time I drive home, I feel as if God is using it as an object lesson.
I can see where I want to be, where I need to be, but I cannot see the roads that I need to take to get there. I know the direction to travel but I don’t know what obstacles I may face as I move forward. Sometimes, I may need to stop and wait while others cross my path. Other times I may need to pause while I refuel my car. There are times when I need to slow down because of hazardous weather. Just as there are times when I must speed up to get out of someone’s way.
It seems as if the need to stop or pause, emotionally and physically, have been constants in my life for the last two years. Yet, as I work through each thing … and, yes, I do mean work … I can see where I want to be, eventually.
Someday, my dream is to have a husband who loves me just because of who I am. And am not. With no ulterior motives or hidden agenda. Just me. And, I want to be able to love and respect that husband without being afraid that he’ll use my vulnerabilities against me. Someday, I want to have children with that man. Maybe two or three, if God is willing. Someday, I want to have a big, old house, somewhere in the middle states with a big, wrap around porch. I want our kids to know and adore their grandparents. I want to hear lots of laughter and joy in our house. I want to feel safe in my husband’s love and provision for our family.
The man whom I believe that God intends to be my husband proposed to me (and I accepted) on Saturday. He and I have had some serious discussions since Saturday. Unfortunately, many of my concerns don’t have a ready resolution to them and will only be resolved through time. But, my fiancé reminded me that we’ll take tiny steps together and that if we’re meant to be married, God will help us work out the problems.
Yes, I can see where I want to be. But I still have to travel the road to get there.
posted by Jammie J. @ 11:47 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
I'm so frustrated. I just wrote this long post, pouring my heart out, and accidently hit a wrote button so it's gone.
Suffice it to say: This is a beautiful post. It touched me at many levels. It touched my heart, reminding me that all of the stops and delays on my personal journey are just a part of God's plan.
It also touched me on another level--just thinking about you and how God is with you, patiently showing you how to walk forward one step at a time. I teared at your description of your dream--a safe, peaceful marriage where you heart is understood. Children. It is possible. My heart needed a safe husband and I've thanked the Lord almost every day of our 15 years of marriage for giving me one. He's not perfect, but he doesn't take advantage of my tender heart. He doesn't manipulate it or look down on it. He just loves it. I pray this for you, too, Jeanette.
*sniffle*
Thank you, Paula, for this. And I do appreciate your unpublished post, too, the time I know you spent on it. Bless your heart.
I wrote this man that I'm engaged to a heartfelt, 3 page letter back in March, detailing my fears and needs. He read it and held me for a long time silently. I told him it's a lot of responsibility. He agreed but said "It's good responsibility."
And, yes, God is so patient with me. I keep expecting and anticipating that He's going to rush me. Push me. Beyond what I can deal with. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and frightened. But He keeps coaxing me along, out of my hiding places.
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