Warning: Fragile Heart
Have I mentioned that God is teaching me to trust?
Do you have any idea how difficult that is for someone who trusted someone with their tender heart and it was very badly abused? Yet, God keeps plugging away. Little pushes at a time.
Yesterday, mid-morning, my fiance and I had a conversation via telephone. I had received an upbeat voice mail from him and called him back to share excitement. He was at lunch with his parents and other people and he concluded the conversation extremely abruptly, making me feel as if he were blowing me off.
This wounded my heart, because he is not usually like that. The worst part of it was, that it reminded me of how I used to be treated by my X. But, even worse than that, I instinctively reacted the way I used to react with my X. I retreated into a place of loneliness and sadness. Gradually, anger took over, and I turned off all my phones. Then I became sad again.
Twelve hours later, I saw on my caller ID that my precious fiance had called. I called him back and he immediately knew something was wrong by the tone of my voice. I told him and we both started crying. I learned that he hadn't heard much of anything I had said because of our cell phone connections and the loudness of the restaurant he had been visiting. He had never, ever intended to hurt me. And, I realized I should have called him back immediately instead of waiting 12 hours. Then, I wouldn't have felt hurt all day and he wouldn't have felt bad that he didn't know I was hurt all day.
Isn't that how God wants us to interact with Him? Immediately coming to Him with our problems? Never waiting.
The more I trust, the more vulnerable I become. The lyrics to a Jewel Kilcher song come to mind as I sit here finishing this post. Ironically, the song is the same title as my post. Warning: Fragile Heart
posted by Jammie J. @ 2:01 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Hi Jeanette,
Thanks for sharing and thanks for being real!
I understand a little what your talking about. Even among friends sometimes, that happens. I think it is something that has happen over the last 24 hours with some friends, that have walk with me on this path with cancer, divorce, etc.
Yet for some reason, I feel that I might have offended them by something I said, by basically asking if the boss lady was home and I didn't mean it to be offensive. I could be misreading this, so would appreicate your prayers. They basically said, e-mail but don't call.
There is nothing more the enemy likes to do then to bring in disharmony, and I refuse to focus on that aspect and rather focus on the Lord and allow Him to work this all out.
Be bless my friend and thanks so very much for blogging by. I was blessed.
Writing for the King,
Paul
I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your needs. You are so right. The enemy loves separating us, isolating us from others. If he can get us alone he has a much better chance of feeding us lies and defeating us.
I struggled last night, after I saw that my fiance had called, about whether or not to call him back. When I realized that Satan would like nothing better than that, I determined to call him and work it out. Regardless that it was 11:30 at night. I knew I wouldn't sleep unless I talked to him, and he would be wondering all night what had happened to me.
When he started to cry just because he had inadvertantly hurt my feelings ... oh God ... I cried even harder. *sniffle* Still crying.
Isn't it wonderful to start knowing this now? I mean to learn to communicate and not let yourself head into unneccessary pain and misunderstanding. When Jerry and I first married I often thought He was mad at me and I'd get mad or hurt and when I finally got around to communicate about it he would look at me totally befuddled and say, "why would that make me mad?" I wasted so many precious hours being hurt when a simple, "what did you mean by that?" or "are you mad at me" would have taken care of everything.
I know what you mean about learning to trust. I'll pray for you . . . God keeps taking me deeper on that one, too.
Much love my sweet friend.
It is wonderful. On so many levels. To know that he won't shut me out. To know that he cares for my feelings. To know that no matter how small in the universe, my concerns are big to him. To know that he was sad because I was hurting. And, he was even sadder because he had, unknowingly, caused the hurt. Sometimes I cannot believe that he is for real, you know what I mean? Yet he is consistent. I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I feel so scared to be blessed. What if everything gets taken away, like Job? See, there I go again, not trusting.
Thank you for sharing, Paula. And, thank you for your prayers.
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