Is It For Real?

I was listening to my morning radio show the other day. The people who DJ the show are really talented. They have just the right mixture of depth, humor, warmth, vulnerability, silliness and love for each other to make their show worth listening to. Such a diverse group of people, too. I've listened to them for at least 16 years, following them from station to station as they moved around throughout their career.

The other morning, their topic of discussion was "What is the one question you can ask yourself to know whether your love is the forever kind of love."

It seemed like a fun little game, so I decided to play along. The questions were intended, of course, towards finding your soulmate.

One caller said the one question to ask yourself is "Do you need him because you want him or do you want him because you need him?"
Another caller said, "Would you love him if he had nothing?"
The next one, "Would you love him if he were a quadroplegic?"
The next one, "Can you imagine your life without him in it?"
The next one, "Are you a better person for being around him?"
The final one, which was the show stopper was "There is no question. You just know. If you're asking yourself these questions, then he's not the one."

I have to admit that I was somewhat irritated by the "final" one. I believe that, generally, teenagers do not have the life experience to "just know." They THINK they do, which is a dangerous line to walk. At that point, though, I think parents play a critical role in guiding their teenager through their decision. If the teenager disengages from the parent at that point, I think that would be a clear indication that the teenager isn't ready for a marriage. (I make that statement based on the assumption that the parent loves their child and wants what's best for them based on the parent's life experience.)

Even as a 34 year old, the "just knowing" phenomena is risky. By that age, I think we've gained life experience but, if we've been burned by bad experiences, we will likely question and analyze everything. We are not willing to trust our intuition so completely. While the questions above are fun and cliche, I think the following questions (that I received from an e-mail list I'm part of) are much more thoughtful and based on life's realities:

1. Am I able to pursue my own interests without recriminations?
2. Am I allowed to express myself in my own unique way without criticism?
3. Can I speak freely about my beliefs, spiritual path, and differences without being ignored or ridiculed?
4. Do I speak my truth easily without fear of confrontation?
5. Do I accept and tolerate, with respect, my partner's lack of knowledge or interest in any of the above?
6. I need to feel happy with myself first. Know myself well and be true to that without guilt or fear of loss. If I can be on my own in such a way that I know I don't actually need another and that I am a whole, then I am ready for a better relationship with a significant other. And that person could just as well be my partner.
7. When I leave this world, will I be content and at peace with the person I leave with, i.e. MYSELF, not the person I lived with?

It seems that so many people prepare for the wedding of the century, but they fail to look beyond that to the future of living daily with another person in close quarters. When you're searching for the Forever Friend (i.e., soulmates) you have to take a close look at everything. Marriage is a binding of all parts of you. You can't just go with your heart (i.e., you just know) when there's 3 parts of you that will marry someone.