Self Esteem and Health
Somehow, in my mind, my health and self esteem have been linked. When I don't feel well, I feel worthless. As if everything that I am and the things I do throughout the day aren't worth squat.
I even struggle, at those moments, with intense hatred. I hate, with everything that I am, the parts of me that cause me such pain. Yes, pain. Horrible inside pain. That doubles me over and makes me sob. I hate it. At those moments, if I could ask one thing of God, I wouldn't ask him for world peace. No, I'm far too selfish. I would ask him to replace the parts of me that hurt with non-hurting parts. After all, what possible purpose could this internal abdominal pain serve? What?
"I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" I scream sometimes in frustration and agony. "I'M DONE! TAKE IT AWAY ... JUST TAKE IT AWAY."
What makes it all the more frustrating is that I have days that are good. Sometimes a whole week. Then, one morning, I wake up and there it is again. Whatever plans I may have had for the day ... gone. Poof. Disappointment.
It's never easy, is it?
I watched Easter service online this year. Can you guess why? You know what, though? It was nice. My cats joined me on my bed and we watched, listened and took notes. I was reminded, again, that no matter how big my problems or frustrations or pain are to me, God's plan for my life is bigger.
That I am significant to Him. Even though in those bad, hateful times I don't feel significant or valued, I am. Just the way I am, He loves me. Where I'm at, scrunched up on the bathroom floor, He's there.
Nice, huh?
posted by Jammie J. @ 9:16 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Dear Jeanette
My heart goes out to you having read your honest account of your considerable suffering--almost unbearable perhaps.
Do you need really loving & continuing personal pastoral care? I have visited your church's website & it seems that they could do this for you, as they say, "We Exist as a Church Family to:
WORSHIP the Lord, TEACH His Word, DEMONSTRATE His love,
& PROCLAIM Jesus Christ until He returns."
May I tell you that you deserve a full demonstration of Jesus love from them.
Stuart.
i don't understand the pain part of your journey, Jeanette ... but the part about crying out to the Lord that you can't take it ... i understand that ... a few years back i was crying to the Lord in that manner over Leo's pain ... saying i couldn't cope anymore ... but somehow i am still here ... still coping ... as you are where you are ... still somehow managing on the bad days ...
no answers on this side of heaven, we only have to believe that somehow the Lord always gives more strength, when more strength is needed ...
big hugs to you sister ...
Bless you, my sweet friend. I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish I could make it all go away for you.
You blessed me by your closing comments. Reminds me a little about my post about last Monday, how Godloved me even as I hurled angry words at Him for the emotional pain I was in.
Jeanette, your transparency is both refreshing and heart-wrenching. I am so sorry!! Like Saija, I live with a husband who is in chronic back pain. Two cervical disk surgeries in the past 4 years for degenerative disk disease.
Though I cannot "know" your pain, as I can't know his, I can understand how debilitating it can be. My husband has often said, God can choose to heal, but sometimes He chooses to develop. I hope you are comforted in the fact that He is sovereign, even in the midst of not fully understanding His purposes.
My prayers are with you.
Stuart, thank you. You are always kind and encouraging.
Saija, I want to understand what purpose the pain serves. I wish I knew. The knowing can make it easier to bear.
Paula, it's so true, yes? He meets us where we're at. Physically and emotionally. It's hard to understand because I'm not that giving, He is.
Gayla, Thank you. Your kindness has left me temporarily speechless.
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