What is in a motive?

mo·tive (mō'tĭv): An emotion, desire, physiological need, or similar impulse that acts as an incitement to action.

goal (gōl): The purpose toward which an endeavor is directed; an objective.

in·ten·tion (ĭn-tĕn'shən): An aim that guides action; an objective.

We go through our lives making decisions. Have you ever wondered what goes into the decision making process? This is something that I have recently been pondering pretty heavily of late.

I've been working through a very painful situation over the last few weeks. You may have noticed that a lot of my writings here have touched on some varied topics? You may find it interesting to know that, while the examples I used in my writings weren't about the situation I've been working through, the occurrence of the examples were timely to help me work through the situation.

The aspects I have worked through ... learning from our past or those who have gone before us (Link), figuring out who is at the center of your relationship (Link), to know that what we have is a direct result of our hard work or life experience (Link), that sometimes your existence is a problem for someone (Link), being patient with someone when they're slow (Link), and trying to be peaceful when I'm sad (Link). Then, Michael addressed his reason for blogging and the niggling thought that had been floating around in my head solidified. I realized, I really needed to answer this question for myself.

This situation has made me confront a lot of relationship fears that I have. The fear of confrontation, the anxiety that I feel when someone I love appears to have turned against me. I am a third party to the relationship I speak of, at least I should be. Yet, fingers are pointing at me, saying it's my fault that they're having problems because I keep a blog. Not this blog, my main blog. The one that is now passworded.

Which is why I have felt the need to examine what my motives are. Not to justify myself, but to understand myself. I've asked myself what my goals are? What are my intentions? To really figure out why I blog? What do I get out of it?

I think to fully understand the question of why I blog, the story needs to start at the beginning. Most people know that I was inspired by my future in-laws, who keep blogs, to start my own. I started writing on the Internet as a way to share with my mom, who lives in Korea.

I was startled when I gained a readership, it wasn't something that I had aspired to or even knew could happen. I just never thought about it. One day in October I checked my webstats and was shocked to see that there were people reading my stuff. Gradually, people started making comments. Sharing themselves with me. I was touched. A small community of around 70 people gradually came into existence.

But, I believe I have stayed true to my original intentions.

It has always been easier for me to express myself in the written word than the verbal word. I have kept a journal of some fashion since I was 12 years old. Anytime something important has needed to be said, I have written it out.

My blog has evolved into a hobby. It's fun to tell a story so that people will relate to it, so that it might touch someone's heart or give them a chuckle. It has become a way for me to work through the depression that I have felt this past year and also a way to get to know myself, a person who I lost for a good portion of my life because of a mentally abusive relationship that I was in.

I feel blessed that my fiance chooses to read my writings, because it gives me a way to share my inner heart in a way that comes easily and naturally to me. Being able to be myself is the ultimate gift to myself. And that is why I blog.

Even if someone misinterprets my motives or puts their twist on my intentions, I can rest in the knowledge that God knows my heart. Or, another way of saying it, God will cut to the heart of the matter. God knows before I ever face a situation what my intentions will be. God won't twist things around or get pulled into a "yeah, but" discussion.

My peace comes from knowing that someday, when I stand before my Maker, it will all become clear. Clear to me and clear to the people who are intentionally choosing to misinterpret things.

God, teach me to be patient, teach me to go slow,
Teach me how to wait on You when my way I do not know.
Teach me sweet forbearance when things do not go right
So I remain unruffled when others grow uptight.
Teach me how to quiet my racing, rising heart
So I might hear the answer You are trying to impart.
Teach me to let go, dear God, and pray undisturbed until
My heart is filled with inner peace,
and I learn to know Your will.

Helen Steiner Rice