Love vs. Legalistic

I am a rule follower. Surprising, I know.

From the earliest age I can remember, the first thing I wanted to know was, "What are the rules?" I would anticipate the first day of school each year so that I could learn the rules. I lived for rules. I didn't want to upset anyone or, dread of dreads, hurt someone's feelings. I didn't want to disappoint my teacher. Or my mom.

I was 6 years old when I accepted Christ as my saviour. Again with the rules. I wanted to know what was expected of me as a Christian. My mom was my guide at that age, providing answers to my questions about what my new Father expected of me.

Since then, it's been a journey of following the rules. The journey that I embarked on last November, that I mentioned in this blog, was one where I stretched and defined for myself what the rules of this journey are. I still don't have them fully formulated, but I'm working and thinking on that. Because, see, for most of my life, I've lived with the thought that good Christians are supposed to be passive, they aren't supposed to get angry or afraid or hurt or argue with their spouse. Because, you know, in Proverbs it talks about a soft answer turning away wrath. Numerous times throughout the Bible the Lord says "Be not afraid."

So every time I would feel one of those emotions, I would step on it and squash it. Like a nasty bug that had somehow crawled into my mind. I was timid, never stood up for myself. I would find a way to avoid confrontation, defuse it, without ever stating how I felt, what I believed. The problem I ran into with that is, people would assume that, since I didn't voice a difference of opinion, then I must believe and feel the same as them. They would move forward, erroneously, on that assumption.

I found myself to be extremely legalistic toward myself, holding myself to a high standard of suppression. Yet, oddly, I never judged or compared myself to anyone else. Others could run amok, but not me. It didn't bother me. In my mind, my standards were mine. Many of my friends tell me that I am the least judgmental person they know. I am, towards them -- but not myself.

So I let people run all over me, take me for granted, take advantage of me, I had no boundaries or rules for how others interacted with me. If someone hurt me, I told no one but my diary. If someone told me my feelings were wrong, I pushed those wrong feelings further under the doormat. I, however, was very careful not to lean on or ask anyone for help, I didn't want to take advantage of them. It became overwhelming trying to be perfect.

My quest to define has been a fruitful one.

I have learned that there are ways to stand up for yourself that fit within God's law. God never intended for me to be stepped on. The Bible is very balanced in that respect. According to the Bible, the woman is to respect her husband -- the balance, however, is that the husband is supposed to love his wife above anything else (except God, of course). Check and balance. If the husband loves his wife like nothing else, he won't ever abuse her, mentally or physically.

I've learned that it's also okay to ask others for help, to share the burden. I've also learned that it's okay to be afraid, to feel anger, to feel hurt. Those are normal emotions -- Jesus even felt those things while here on earth. Sometimes there are things that happen that are too huge for one person to handle by themselves. Emotional burdens, physical trials, spiritual questions. I can't be responsible for how other people might feel by my requests, they are responsible for saying "yes" or "no". If I need them, I should ask. God never intended for us to go it alone.

Somehow, I got too caught up in staring at the judging God, the God of punishment, the God of commandments, and forgot about the balance -- remember, God is balanced. I forgot about the God who loves me, no matter what. The God who forgives me of my failings when I come to him and crawl in his lap. The God who wants what is good for me, not harm. The God who is there just as much for the other people in my life as he is in my own.

Remember that God?