Health, Wealth and Family.

For nearly the last five years I have been blessed to hold the same job. Sat in the same chair, same office everyday. Not always doing the same thing, in fact, what I do right now is not what I did when I was first hired here.

The world I knew in early 2001 has changed around me. I no longer have the same bosses, not the same job duties, not the same home, not the same car, not the same pets, not even the same husband. Indeed, my world is so much better, so much more fulfilling, so unbelievable in the richness of those whom I love and care about. I could never have even imagined such an enriched life as I have now. In fact, I struggle with the acceptance of it as there are times it feels surreal.

Yet, here at work I feel so incredibly isolated, by my choice. There really isn't anyone here who I trust, find interesting or with whom I want to socialize. Most days I wonder to myself why I am still here.

I've often thought about changing jobs, honestly the thought crosses my mind several times a day. Yet, I haven't felt that the timing is right. A couple years ago, I was so unhappy that I went on several interviews. I didn't pray about that decision, I just did it out of my unhappiness. All the companies I interviewed with expressed interest, but ultimately chose another candidate.

Shortly after that, my health fell apart and I ended up undergoing major surgery for endometriosis, from which I'm still recovering. One month after I returned from disability, my company replaced my boss (who was the reason I was interviewing) with someone who is one of the kindest people for whom I have ever worked.

Despite that, I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I should be doing... something. Like a racehorse who's wiggling in the starter box but the gate is stuck. Nothing seems to come together. I've never been in such an odd spot. Strangely, I'm not depressed or frustrated about it at all. I feel rather ambivalent, to tell the truth and, well, grateful. Grateful that I'm so well provided for without the stress that my job used to hold for me. Unfulfilled and grateful for it, what a conundrum, eh?

Today, I read this devotional. I'm left wondering if perhaps this is where I'm at right now. A place of recovery. A place of waiting. And that, perhaps, the events of the last couple of weeks and my restless feelings are God's way of preparing me for the inevitable opening of another door... soon?

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10