Sometimes I'm Scared.

Sometimes the Lord brings lessons too fast to write coherently about them. I don't even know that this post will be coherent, but it's what's on my mind. I've been overwhelmed this past month, one thing right after another. I still haven't fully digested all that has happened.

One of my favorite frets is money. How are the bills going to get paid? One of the things that was holding me back from marrying the man I love was the fact that my job pays me more than his does. It's kind of weird sitting here reading that sentence. It seems so silly and superficial. But I face that reality from a position of fear, not pride. I took on my debt based on my earning capabilities, not his. What if something happens to me? Then I've failed not only myself, but him, too.

I am used to providing for myself, because I'm afraid to trust anyone else to do it. Yet, I'm also afraid of providing too well, that I'll be taken advantage of. It happened to me before. So, the fear of repeating patterns is always at the front of my brain and on the tip of my tongue.

I also live, daily, with the fear that my health will become such that I'm not able to function because of the pain. With endometriosis, it's possible. It's a vicious circle in my head. The statement that I've somehow taught myself is that "if I lose my health, I'll lose everything and everyone." I fight within myself, reminding myself that God is in control. He wants me to be happy, productive, well-loved and secure. He will give me grace sufficient unto the day, or night, as the case may be.

I trusted my husband with my fears. He took them to heart, listened and held me. He didn't run screaming out the door, nor did he slink away in the night. He is doing all that he can to secure our future. I know that, intellectually. But my scarred, scared heart is still learning to trust him. He's okay with that, too.

The very next day the head of my company lost his job. Within a week, the structures within my company have been dismantled. I'm okay... for the moment, but I look at the situation and all I can do is pray. Pray for those, who through no fault of their own have been affected by this situation. Pray for their futures. Pray for myself and my future.

I'm scared. I don't like change. Yet every decision I've made that has effectuated a change in the past three years has been made with prayerful consideration. Have they ultimately turned out for the better? Yes, although that doesn't make the unknown any less scary. Why does He give the test before the lesson?

It seems as if the Lord is changing my life. Every single day.

I'm left reeling and breathless ... I guess it's a good thing He is in charge of my air supply.

And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? Luke 12:25