Thought Management.

There is a button on my laptop I have recently discovered. It wasn't a fun discovery, and I'm still not sure which button it is. About once a night, I let go of my little optical mouse. It has a retractable cord which means that when I let go of it, it goes scurrying across my keyboard with just enough downward force to find the mystery button. When the mystery button is pressed, it sends my computer into hibernation mode. My screen goes dark within 2 seconds.

All things considered, hibernation mode isn't the worst thing that could happen. All I have to do is press the power button for a second and my computer boots back up and none of my work is lost.

There's another button somewhere in the same area, however, that causes whatever screen I'm working on to minimize and my cursor to hide. That placement of that mystery button is unknown, as well. I don't like that button very well. It bothers me, because I have to do a little recovery work to get things back to normal.

Sometimes, I feel like my brain is like that. One of the things the Lord and I are working on is managing my thoughts.

With my free-radical hormones that I have, at times, it's nearly impossible to do. This week has been an easier time of it for me. Any woman who has severe hormone fluctuations will tell you that, in order to avoid the abyss of depression, it's a game of strict thought management. Almost like you have to put "triggers" in a jail and focus on something, anything else.

For me, I try to make my outlet prayer. Or, I have by my bed a depression journal. It's where I write out, in a prayer format, the symptoms and fears that I have. It's where I give those up to God. Writing has always worked better for me than verbalizing. Verbalizing seems so ... ungraspable, so temporary. If I write it out, it formalizes it. It also allows me to track how I'm doing.

The other thing that I write in my depression journal, when I'm not depressed, are my blessings. The things that make my heart swell with hope and joy. I write positive things about myself, things that I know about myself yet easily forget when I am depressed. I include Bible verses that I've come across during my devotions, writing out those verses with the positive things really helps them stick. It is those positive things that I read if I can't write.

This week, I've been writing the blessings and positives out. The Lord and I, we're doing okay this week.

Thank you, Lord.

God's Green Tea

The other day I attended a gathering with my fiance's family. He has an aunt who is, in my opinion, more concerned with the superficialities of life ... the status house, the fancy car, the proper pets, the my child is attending a better college than yours, keeping up with current trends, etc.

She explained how she read that drinking green tea is supposed to be healthy for you. So, she said she went out and bought some green tea to drink. But she didn't like it, so she threw it all away. She asked, how are you supposed to drink healthy green tea if it's gross?

I wanted to tell her that there's more than one type of green tea. That if you buy the stuff in the regular grocery store, chances are, it tastes like musty dust. If you go to an authentic Asian grocery store, their green tea is much, much better. But I didn't tell her that. Because I could tell she was already closed to the subject. She had no interest in exploring it further. She wasn't really serious about drinking it for health, she was drinking it because it was the "in" thing to do. She wanted others to validate her for having tried it.

I felt really bothered by it, for some reason. I mean, it was such a silly thing. What do I care if she hates green tea? Then, I realized, it was because she had written off something that I love and enjoy as part of my every day morning ritual. I love green tea.

I wonder how many of us go to church because it's the "in" thing to do. It's something that we're told to do in the Bible, but if we go to one church and it feels kind of dusty or musty to us, we just quit and say, "well, I didn't like it." In all honesty, I'm kind of in an "in between" stage with my church. I really like the pastor at the church that I call "my church", the church that I tithe at. But I don't feel connected with the members of the church, in fact, I feel annoyed and irritated by them. I just want to escape after the service before they latch on to me.

This topic has been on my prayer list since I left singing on "my church's" worship team last November. I feel drawn to attend at Saddleback. But they're so huge already, do they really need me? Do I need them? Where do I belong? Am I ready to belong?

I've turned off commenting on this post. I am only sharing where I'm at, not seeking feedback. Please don't be offended.

For Reals.

One of the things a lot of people tell me once they find my spiritual blog is that they are surprised at how much they relate to what I write.

I think we, as Christians, think we're supposed to be perfect. We think we're not supposed to have worldly thoughts. We think we're not supposed to have messy homes. That we aren't to have conflicts with co-workers, family members or our neighbors. As if becoming a Christian negates our common humanity.

It doesn't. We are still human, we will still have conflicts and troubles in our lives. What we have to be conscious of are our reactions and thoughts. Because, you know what? God accepts us and meets us WHERE WE ARE. He loves us. Just like we, as humans, love our children or pets, imperfections and all.

I was just watching the remembrance video of Saddleback's pastors. They are celebrating 25 years of being a church this weekend. Rick Warren, the founding and senior pastor of Saddleback, as well as the author of The Purpose Driven Life, has slips of the tongue because, you know, he's human. But, it keeps it real. He's learned that errors of speak is a bonding tool between him and the people in the church. Just as our errors, as Christians, can be a bonding tool between us and non-Christians.

Among my favorites on the video were, "If you are poor, we give you money. If you are foodless we give you food stamps. If you are breastless, errr *pause, shakes his head* recovers with, well, if you're breastless, we give you implants. If you're breathless, we give you oxygen."

Another one, "In anticipation of Saddleback's Christmas services, we've made yard signs. You can take these signs and stick them ... *his brain went blank*, *laughing*, recovers with ..." stick them in your YARD."

"You know, it's just a fart ..." *pause*... "did I just say fart? Can I say fart?" ... *pause* ... "I meant, it's just a fact ..."

The best one, though, was "God spoke to Balaam through a donkey. A jackass! Does God speak to us today through a jackass? Why, yes he does! Every Sunday, here at Saddleback!"

God's Timing ...

I have established a morning routine of spending at least 10 minutes with the Lord. Right after I get out of bed in the morning. See, I know the Lord loves me, even though I have morning breath and bed fuzzy hair. If he doesn't, well, I guess I'm really pushing it. ;) But, hey, it's His fault I have that stuff, right? I mean, He made me the way I am.

Part of my routine, at least this year, is I'm studying the women of the Bible and then I read a poem from Helen Steiner Rice. Usually, my eyes glaze over when reading poetry, always have had trouble with that. I can write my own, but then going back and reading it, same trouble. Which is evidenced by the "F" I received in high school poetry class. For some reason, I don't get that way with Ms. Rice's work.

I thought I'd share the poem that I read over the last three days. This one really touched my heart because of a situation I'm working through ... maybe it will touch yours, too.

When we are deeply disturbed with a problem
and our minds are filled with doubt
And we struggle to find a solution
but there seems to be no way out,
We futilely keep on trying
to untangle our web of distress
But our own little, puny efforts
meet with very little success...

And finally, exhausted and weary,
discouraged and downcast and low,
With no foreseeable answer
and with no other place to go,
We kneel down in sheer desperation
and slowly and stumblingly pray,
Then impatiently wait for an answer,
which we fully expect right away.

And then when God does not answer
in one sudden instant, we say,
"God does not seem to be listening,
so why should we bother to pray?"
But God can't get through to the anxious,
who are much too impatient to wait --
You have to believe in God's promise
that He comes not too soon or too late.

For whether God answers promptly
or delays in answering your prayer,
You must have faith to believe Him
and to know in your heart He'll be there.
So be not impatient or hasty,
just trust in the Lord and believe.
For whatever you ask in faith and love,
in abundance you are sure to receive.

Helen Steiner Rice

But, I love Jesus ...

Someone near and dear to my heart loves Jesus with all of her heart.

As one would expect, if you love someone, you are fascinated by him or her. You just can't seem to get enough information, you know? So, over the years, she has collected the Bible on tape, sermons on tape, Christian music on tape, pamphlets, a couple of Bibles, books that provide insight on a Christian life, seminar workbooks, etc. ... quite a few things, you can imagine.

All of her belongings were, up until recently, stored somewhere else. The items were transferred this weekend into my care. One of the people who had been storing the items made several comments criticizing, in a negative vein, the fact that someone would have so much religious stuff, or "Jesus stuff" ... to which the person who collected the items said, "but, I love Jesus, too."

I guess it was a real conversation stopper.

I thought to myself, "Now that's a good way to be a witness." How many times have I been swept away with someone else's negative thoughts, like a creaky door in undisciplined wind, without putting the door stop down? How many times have I said negative things about others? A lot, I suppose. More than I'll admit to here.

Of course, I'd be a dork if I ended every sentence with "but, I love Jesus, too." Kinda makes me laugh to think about it, though. How opposite that is to a lot of the stuff I think or say.