Ups and Downs of Life.

I've heard theories spouted when discussing Biblical theories on an email list I'm a part of that King David may have been bi-polar. They base that assumption on the incredible ups that he seemed to experience and the incredible lows that he had.

The last discussion that was had about this topic was about two weeks ago. I've been thinking about it since.

What I think is that David wrote the book of Psalms over a period of several years. Yes, there are some extreme fluctuations found in the mood of the Psalms. Some chapters are comforting -- obviously Psalms 23 is turned to by many in times of difficulty as a form of solace. Some chapters are sad and a sense of hopelessness pervades them. Then there are other chapters where the attitude is one of extreme praise, lifting hands like the leaves of the trees do to worship their Maker.

Those extreme fluctuations are a result of the events that were happening in his life. I mean, he was being CHASED for his LIFE by King Saul and his armies. He was living in caves. His faith in God was being tested every single day. He was questioning the reason for his life. I know I would if my routine was living in caves and hiding for my life -- because of the hatred of someone who had the power to kill me. In fact, I would find it downright depressing.

On the other hand, how uplifting must it have been to have God come through for him, time and again? To know that there was someone more powerful than his enemies who was looking out for him? And those times, when he was reminded of God's greatness, would be filled with praise and joy.

The extreme highs and lows of life? Or bipolar? I think the first option. But that's just my opinion.

What defines me?

If someone were to ask me, what is the one thing that defines who you are today, I would have to answer one thing.

That one thing is Fear.

Most people have no idea how many nights Fear sits on my shoulder and coos at me. See, I present as a confident, strong and pretty individual. I know, because people tell me those things all the time. What do I have to be afraid of, really?

Fear is my nemesis and my friend. Some days I hate Fear -- other days, Fear serves me well. But, all the same, it's fear. It's funny, I think, I don't envy the material possessions of others. What I envy are people who face changes in life with an attitude of adventure. People who are placid, emotionally. I envy them that.

I fear the unknown.
I fear financial instability.
I fear physical pain.
I fear losing my loved ones.
I fear losing my pets.
I fear losing my home.
I fear travelling.
I fear trusting someone who might harvest my vulnerabilities as ammunition.

I even fear change, yet the changes I make are done out of Fear -- fear that if I don't make a needed change, I'll always be in the same rut. Isn't that ironic?

Yet, what's even more ironic to me, is that God tells me throughout the Bible, numerous times, fear not. Intellectually, I talk myself through my fear, to the absolute worst possible ending. I strategize myself out of that ending, telling myself that my world won't end if that happens. Sometimes, I'm even okay for a few hours. But Fear is more patient than I am. Lurking in the shadows of my mind. It's also very gentle, it patiently waits and then gently, oh so gently, slips into a corner of my mind that I'm not paying attention to and starts turning out the lights in that room. Pretty soon, the entire room is dark -- filled with foreboding and anxiety.

Prayer and trusting God is the light switch that fills the dark room with glowing peace. Sometimes, I'm not quick enough in getting into that room in my mind to turn the light switch on. And Fear enjoys having the power, knowing that I'll remember. It slinks away and waits. Patiently. Quietly. Insiduously.

Fear. I hate Fear.

Another Conversation with God.

Me: Lord, what are you lining up way up there?

My arm is thrown over my eyes. I've just awakened this morning. I see the Lord's lips curl in a slight smile.

Lord: You'll see, my child.

Me: But father, I'm so anxious.

The smile disappears to a gentle curve.

Lord: Child, you must remember that all I have in store for you is good. Only good.

Me: Lord, the knot in my stomach, it hurts ... I want to trust you.

Lord: I won't take that knot from you. You have to give it to me. When it's gone, you'll know you're trusting me.

Me: I trust you, Father. I trust you.

The knot slowly dissolves ...