Doing Something? I think God is ... not me.

I must be doing something right.

The other day I wrote about struggling with impatience internally. Oh, how I struggle!

Yet, on my countenance, something must be pleasing to others.

Despite the unbelieveable depression I have experienced this past year, as well as some adversarial occurrences lately that have poked my spirit, complete strangers, at the rate of about one per week, keep telling me that I seem so peaceful.

The first person who said this to me, walked right up to me in the middle of the local Sav-On. He was a little old man, he doddered up to me and said "You seem so at peace ... " patted me on the arm and doddered off. I stared after him like he had grown a nose on his behind. What on earth?

It happened again and again over the next few months. The other one I get is "You look so young!" Or some variation of it. When I got my hair cut last week, the stylist asked me what classes I was taking in college. What??? I'm well past college age, yet he was insistent that I looked about 21.

Setting aside the feed that this gives my ego, I mean, who doesn't like to hear that they look youthful or peaceful? But, setting that aside, I wonder what's going on? I sure don't FEEL peaceful or youthful. Yet, it was about 7 or 8 months ago that I established a devotional routine, to read the Bible and pray every single night. To read a witty devotion and pray every morning. No exceptions.

I put this post together yesterday but couldn't end it right. I realized, after reading one of my online devotionals today why that was. It was because, what I'm trying to say is contained in this devotion. (Link)

Sometimes, no matter how YOU feel, GOD'S light still shines through you.

The Patience Vest.

One of the things I struggle with A LOT in my daily life is being impatient. For the most part, if you were to see me standing in line or waiting at a red light, you would never guess it by looking at me. I don't gnash my teeth or grump at anyone. In fact, most of the time I have a little smile playing about my lips. But inwardly I am perpetually drumming my fingers.

It's comical, really, when I think or analyze why I'm so impatient. For once in my life, I have a boss who never watches the clock. I have a fiance who never watches the clock. Yet old habits die hard. I am so used to having someone ELSE put pressure on me to be one way or another. So, why am I so impatient? Why am I in such a gol' darn hurry to get home for? I'm not on a strict time clock at work or at home anymore. I report to ... myself and God.

The other day I consciously made a decision not to be impatient. When I went to the post office, I didn't get annoyed with the old guy in front of me who was driving slowly. I captured my impatient thought of "Will I need a ventilator by the time we get there?" and reminded myself of my decision.

When I came out from the post office, I didn't get annoyed at the little old lady who was parked next to me who had her passenger door open (which meant I couldn't open my car door). In fact, I reached out to help her open her package wheeler because her other hand was holding her cane. She apologized two or three times for being in my way and I kept telling her that she wasn't in my way, she was simply living her life. Do you know something? Her eyes welled up with tears at the kindness that God enabled me to show her.

Do you know something else? I learned that sometimes, when you don the Patience Vest, you can connect with another human being. That connection is worth the extra 30 seconds.

Be Who God Intended ...

The other day I was skimming through the comments on a particularly popular blog and came across one where the reader said the following (paraphrasing):

I think she's funny, but the only thing I think about when I read her site is that I want to BE her. I want to marry her husband because I think I love him just as much as she does. I want her baby who is so precious. I think our similar height makes us very much alike. I want to live in the state she does. I think I need to take a break from reading before I start answering to her name.

I realize that the author of this comment intended it to be a humorous compliment. But, the comment got me to thinking. How many of us have ever wished we were someone else?

I'm not always happy with myself, my thoughts or my health. A few times in the past couple of years I've wished I could rip out my hormones and replace them with happy, shiny ones. There are things that I struggle with that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. However, I can honestly say that I've never wished I could BE someone else.

Then I thought, why would someone want to be someone else? Is their life difficult beyond words? Is their self-esteem so very low? Where are they at emotionally? Have they lost all hope of being themselves?

Each of us are unique. God made us that way. If he wanted us to be clones of each other, I think he would have made us that way. I firmly believe that each have something special, a gift, inside of us. Maybe similar to someone else, but with a twist.

Maybe the gift is to inspire others. Maybe it's an ability to give hope or joy, whether it's through writing, music, words or even your smile. Perhaps your gift is being an organizer, a highly paid executive, a leader, a preacher, a teacher, a mom, a good wife or maybe your gift is that of being compassionate. To be truly happy in our own skins, we need to find our own gift, not wish to be someone else so we can have their gifts. You don't know what they had to experience to have their gifts.

Do I feel it's okay to admire someone? To learn from someone else's experience? To aspire to attain certain characteristics? Absolutely! But, I believe there is a distinction between admiration and coveting. Admiration inspires, coveting compares. I've learned that if I compare myself to someone else, I will find myself sorely lacking. Which in turn feeds negative emotions. Which in turn stops my own personal growth.

So many people get caught up in the superficiality of beauty or possessions and either forget or don't realize that "forever" happiness comes from inside our souls. Temporary happiness comes from outside sources.

I guess my point is, do not underestimate who you are INSIDE. Your character. To do so is to underestimate our God.

1 Corinthians 2:7^(MSG) -- God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes. You don't find it lying around on the surface. It's not the latest message, but more like the oldest--what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene.

Want my space?

The other morning I was driving to work on a surface street, as I always do. A fellow in his car on my right awakened enough to realize that the next intersection was where he needed to turn left. He started to change lanes and THEN looked and realized that I was there, right next to him. He jerked back into his lane, flipped on his signal and proceeded to speed up until only the front half of his car was ahead of mine (the rear of his car ended at my passenger door) and then, regardless of the fact that I was still there, he moved over into a spot that a motorcycle wouldn't have fit in. I braked and let him in. I was a little startled that he was choosing to drive unsafely, but more than that I was curious about him rather than his actions.

Within a second after his lane change, he realized he was too close to the car in front of him and crammed on his brakes. To avoid rear-ending him, I executed a quick lane change into the lane he had vacated. As I came alongside him, I glanced over into his car because my curiousity was running rampant. The man was older, maybe 60ish. He had greying hair, a little overweight. But the most noticeable thing to me was that he was staring at me (instead of the road in front of him), gesturing wildly, his face was PURPLE from his anger and he was YELLING AT ME even though his windows were, even though MY windows were up and even though I couldn't hear him.

I shook my head in disbelief, raised my hands in a "what did I do?" gesture and continued my drive to work.

I guess he thought I was going to cut back in front of him, because I noticed he sped up to close the gap to the car in front of him to a mere few inches.

The situation bothered me. I felt so bad, I don't like seeing people get angry and certainly not at me. I really didn't understand what I had done to cause him to be so angry. He looked like he was going to have a heart attack over a simple lane change.

I replayed the scene in my head a couple of times and finally realized that it wasn't something I had done, it was just that I was where he wanted to be. There was no way for him to BE where I was unless he took some rude measures and infringed upon the space I needed for my car. Yet, even though I yielded the space to him, he STILL wasn't happy. There was nothing I could do to make him happy.

I was reminded, once again, that I cannot ever be responsible for someone else's happiness. Each person is responsible for their own happiness. The only thing I can do is pray for their peace, that whatever is causing them to be so angry about their life will be resolved. So, that's what I did this morning. I yielded my hurt feelings to God and prayed for that angry, angry man. I prayed that his day would get better.

The hurt spot inside my heart filled with peace. Even though it was the hardest thing to do, giving up that hurt feeling, the reward in doing so was returned three times over.

The Oil Change.

About a year ago I went to get my car's oil changed at the dealership. As I was making my payment, a little old man walked in.

He waited a few seconds and then approached me and said "Did you say you were married?"

"No." I replied, "No, I'm not married."

He said, "Oh, well I am. I've been married for 65 years. We just moved up here from Coronado Island."

"Is that right? Coronado's a pretty place." I answered.

"Yep." He reached in his pocket and pulled out a newspaper clipping and displayed it for me and the girl behind the counter to see. On the scrap of paper was displayed a picture of an elderly couple (him and his wife) with their names typed below and the words "Celebrating their 65th Wedding Anniversary."

The girl behind the counter joined the conversation and asked, "So, I guess you probably get asked this all the time, but what would you say is the secret to a successful marriage?"

The old man replied, "Yes, I do get asked that all the time." He paused and then continued, "Most people think it's communication."

We nodded our heads.

"Well, communication is important. But for me and my wife, we love our Lord first and each other second. We read this book ... " he pulled a small Bible out of his vest pocket "... and pray together every single day. When we put God at the center, everything else just balances out."

"Wow." We replied in unison. I said, "Congratulations on your 65th anniversary."

He paid his invoice and walked out. The girl behind the counter and I just stared at each other for a moment. She said, "You know, he's right." I replied, "Yep."

It's been a year. When I walk in the door next week for my oil change, she's going to look up at me and say, "Do you remember that little old man?"

And, I'm going to reply ... "Yes. Yes, I do."