Health, Wealth and Family.

For nearly the last five years I have been blessed to hold the same job. Sat in the same chair, same office everyday. Not always doing the same thing, in fact, what I do right now is not what I did when I was first hired here.

The world I knew in early 2001 has changed around me. I no longer have the same bosses, not the same job duties, not the same home, not the same car, not the same pets, not even the same husband. Indeed, my world is so much better, so much more fulfilling, so unbelievable in the richness of those whom I love and care about. I could never have even imagined such an enriched life as I have now. In fact, I struggle with the acceptance of it as there are times it feels surreal.

Yet, here at work I feel so incredibly isolated, by my choice. There really isn't anyone here who I trust, find interesting or with whom I want to socialize. Most days I wonder to myself why I am still here.

I've often thought about changing jobs, honestly the thought crosses my mind several times a day. Yet, I haven't felt that the timing is right. A couple years ago, I was so unhappy that I went on several interviews. I didn't pray about that decision, I just did it out of my unhappiness. All the companies I interviewed with expressed interest, but ultimately chose another candidate.

Shortly after that, my health fell apart and I ended up undergoing major surgery for endometriosis, from which I'm still recovering. One month after I returned from disability, my company replaced my boss (who was the reason I was interviewing) with someone who is one of the kindest people for whom I have ever worked.

Despite that, I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I should be doing... something. Like a racehorse who's wiggling in the starter box but the gate is stuck. Nothing seems to come together. I've never been in such an odd spot. Strangely, I'm not depressed or frustrated about it at all. I feel rather ambivalent, to tell the truth and, well, grateful. Grateful that I'm so well provided for without the stress that my job used to hold for me. Unfulfilled and grateful for it, what a conundrum, eh?

Today, I read this devotional. I'm left wondering if perhaps this is where I'm at right now. A place of recovery. A place of waiting. And that, perhaps, the events of the last couple of weeks and my restless feelings are God's way of preparing me for the inevitable opening of another door... soon?

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Sometimes I'm Scared.

Sometimes the Lord brings lessons too fast to write coherently about them. I don't even know that this post will be coherent, but it's what's on my mind. I've been overwhelmed this past month, one thing right after another. I still haven't fully digested all that has happened.

One of my favorite frets is money. How are the bills going to get paid? One of the things that was holding me back from marrying the man I love was the fact that my job pays me more than his does. It's kind of weird sitting here reading that sentence. It seems so silly and superficial. But I face that reality from a position of fear, not pride. I took on my debt based on my earning capabilities, not his. What if something happens to me? Then I've failed not only myself, but him, too.

I am used to providing for myself, because I'm afraid to trust anyone else to do it. Yet, I'm also afraid of providing too well, that I'll be taken advantage of. It happened to me before. So, the fear of repeating patterns is always at the front of my brain and on the tip of my tongue.

I also live, daily, with the fear that my health will become such that I'm not able to function because of the pain. With endometriosis, it's possible. It's a vicious circle in my head. The statement that I've somehow taught myself is that "if I lose my health, I'll lose everything and everyone." I fight within myself, reminding myself that God is in control. He wants me to be happy, productive, well-loved and secure. He will give me grace sufficient unto the day, or night, as the case may be.

I trusted my husband with my fears. He took them to heart, listened and held me. He didn't run screaming out the door, nor did he slink away in the night. He is doing all that he can to secure our future. I know that, intellectually. But my scarred, scared heart is still learning to trust him. He's okay with that, too.

The very next day the head of my company lost his job. Within a week, the structures within my company have been dismantled. I'm okay... for the moment, but I look at the situation and all I can do is pray. Pray for those, who through no fault of their own have been affected by this situation. Pray for their futures. Pray for myself and my future.

I'm scared. I don't like change. Yet every decision I've made that has effectuated a change in the past three years has been made with prayerful consideration. Have they ultimately turned out for the better? Yes, although that doesn't make the unknown any less scary. Why does He give the test before the lesson?

It seems as if the Lord is changing my life. Every single day.

I'm left reeling and breathless ... I guess it's a good thing He is in charge of my air supply.

And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? Luke 12:25