The Road to Get There.

As I drive home every day from work, I head towards the mountains in the distance. My housing development is backed up against the Cleveland National Forest Preserve. The view I see as I drive home is spectacular. The undeveloped area attracts “weather”. Oftentimes, it is sprinkling or raining at my house when it wasn’t at work.

But, every time I drive home, I feel as if God is using it as an object lesson.

I can see where I want to be, where I need to be, but I cannot see the roads that I need to take to get there. I know the direction to travel but I don’t know what obstacles I may face as I move forward. Sometimes, I may need to stop and wait while others cross my path. Other times I may need to pause while I refuel my car. There are times when I need to slow down because of hazardous weather. Just as there are times when I must speed up to get out of someone’s way.

It seems as if the need to stop or pause, emotionally and physically, have been constants in my life for the last two years. Yet, as I work through each thing … and, yes, I do mean work … I can see where I want to be, eventually.

Someday, my dream is to have a husband who loves me just because of who I am. And am not. With no ulterior motives or hidden agenda. Just me. And, I want to be able to love and respect that husband without being afraid that he’ll use my vulnerabilities against me. Someday, I want to have children with that man. Maybe two or three, if God is willing. Someday, I want to have a big, old house, somewhere in the middle states with a big, wrap around porch. I want our kids to know and adore their grandparents. I want to hear lots of laughter and joy in our house. I want to feel safe in my husband’s love and provision for our family.

The man whom I believe that God intends to be my husband proposed to me (and I accepted) on Saturday. He and I have had some serious discussions since Saturday. Unfortunately, many of my concerns don’t have a ready resolution to them and will only be resolved through time. But, my fiancé reminded me that we’ll take tiny steps together and that if we’re meant to be married, God will help us work out the problems.

Yes, I can see where I want to be. But I still have to travel the road to get there.

Being Available.

I had an "aha" moment yesterday. For several years now, I have been struggling with an irritation with people, complete strangers, thinking that I am approachable. I have people yell questions out their windows at me as I'm stopped at a stoplight. People are constantly coming up to me in the store to ask me questions. Simple questions, really, but nevertheless an interruption to my day. It has constantly annoyed me.

My post office has a ticket dispenser and the number you pull saves your spot in line. Just last week a guy came up to me in the post office and asked what number they were on. I pointed to the board that displayed the current number and he left me alone. Yesterday, again in the post office, a woman who spoke little to no English and wrote even less, got up from her bench, bypassed six other people and came straight to me and started pointing at things on a form she was filling out. I had no clue what she was trying to say, fortunately, one of the postal workers saw the problem and called her up to the desk. My reactions weren't so bad, but my attitude behind my reactions (which were hidden deep inside me) were nasty and irritable.

My heart muttered a prayer, "Why, Lord? Why did you make me so approachable? I don't like interruptions. I don't like people asking me questions." I was startled when a silent voice whispered in my mind "This is practice. Practice for something in the future. Remember kindness."

That answer scared me. What does He have in store for my future? But it also intrigued me. Because, again, what does He have in store?

1 Peter 4
⁹Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. ¹⁰Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. ¹¹If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

God Gives Peace.

I have been asking God for peace. And, I feel so at peace right now. There are lots of thoughts swirling in my mind, but they are good ones. Peaceful ones.

I love rain. Today, the Lord has given this dry California land some rain. Well, rain by California standards. He kept me safe while I drove to and from church this morning to worship Him. The roads get very slick, so much so that the weather service issues warnings of slick roads when they post that we'll be having our first rain of the season.

I always sleep well when it's raining. It's as if it cocoons me in it's peaceful rhythm. The drops touch the leaves of my plants outside my bedroom window, splashing and dropping, softly, so softly.

It is late afternoon now, though, and I have peaceful worship music playing in the background. The rain comes and goes. My cats are bounding up and down the hallway. I see little furrballs with tails raised high as they run past my office door.

I have good smelling candles lit throughout the house, gingerbread, cinnamon, pumpkin spice. My front screen door is open, keeping just a slight chill throughout my home. I have warm clothes on; the softest jeans I own, a soft turtleneck and socks with kitty eyes on them.

So much I have because of God's grace.

Psalm 4
⁸ I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone,
O LORD , make me dwell in safety.

Learning to Praise While God Moves.

In the past week or so, I have had a couple of experiences which lead me to believe that God is teaching me to focus on Him while he fights the battles that come up in my life.

The first situation was last Thursday night, while my body rebelled at the artificial hormones I'm putting into it to retard endometriosis growth, I couldn't get the worship songs out of my head that I had just practiced with my worship team. As my heart pounded quickly in the throes of a hot flash, my mind woefully sang "Jesus, Lamb of God, Worthy is Your name ... ". I became frustrated, was there no part of my body that I could control? The only thing I wanted to do was SLEEP!! Finally, since abrupt sounds were triggering my hot flashes, I stuffed ear plugs in and succumbed to humming worship songs. I was, finally, able to sleep.

In 2 Chronicles 20, King Jehoshaphat was facing battle with a "vast army" (vs. 2). He stressed out about it but immediately brought it to the Lord. He acknowledged his people's weaknesses and inability to defend themselves against so many. He was told (vs. 15) "the battle is not yours, but God's." In verse 21, we learn what Jehoshaphat & his people did to "win" the battle:

²¹ After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the LORD and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: "Give thanks to the LORD, for his love endures forever."

The singing caused such confusion and distraction amongst their enemies that they (the enemy) set about destroying each other instead of the Israelites. Not only did the Israelites win the battle, but they reaped so much bounty from the dead enemy it took them three days to collect it all.

The second situation was the homeowner's meeting last night regarding the security screen door that the Board asked me and 12 other people in my community to remove. Mostly, I believe the Board has a personal preference against these types of doors and in their attempt to "clean up the neighborhood" they have a misguided perception that security screen doors are contributing to a tacky neighborhood. Nevermind the true causes (such as dirty diapers sitting atop the garbage bin housing, abandoned cars taking up much needed parking spots, teenagers on motorized scooters who ride endlessly around the neighborhood, children who skateboard and bike off stairs into busy streets ... the list goes on and on).

I've been praying about this situation since July, increasing my prayers as the Board's immovable attitude increased. I felt led to canvass the neighborhood with a petition. When someone who I trust in his honesty told me not to waste my time, I still felt led to canvass, but focused specifically on people who have doors like mine.

Two nights ago in my nightly devotions, I read Ezra, chapters 4, 5 & 6. This text refers to the Israelites rebuilding their Lord's temple. Satan moved against them with false friends, frustration, discouragement and a misinformed king. The people, however, stayed honest & forthright, respectful of the king and true to the Lord. They consistently put the Lord first in all that they were doing. The Lord did what only the Lord could do ... he changed the king's heart, who then allowed the people to continue and complete their work.

Ezra 6
²² For seven days they celebrated with joy the Feast of Unleavened Bread, because the LORD had filled them with joy by changing the attitude of the king of Assyria, so that he assisted them in the work on the house of God, the God of Israel.

Last night at the Board meeting, it appears that the Board may be having a change of heart. They are allowing us to, for now, keep our security doors. I wonder, though, what the Lord's purpose in this could be? For this cannot possibly be just about a screen door.

Singing praise to the Lord, staying steadfast and faithful in Him doesn't, on the surface, seem so hard to do. And, yet, I perpetually find myself asking God for strength to do even that. Ahhh, how weak I am without Him.

Five Things

This morning I was listening to my morning radio show out of San Diego. There are 5 DJs who go in every morning at about 6 AM and talk for four hours. As my alarm went off this morning, they were discussing how to tell someone in five items what they are about. Wow. The diversity of each person's list was amazing.

But one of my favorite word games I like to play with myself is what three words would you use to describe someone you know, so how much more difficult could this be? I get two more slots!

So, here's my list of five things attempting to define who I am:

1. Faithfulness -- One of my primary goals is to be faithful to God, digging into His Word, worshipping Him and helping others to worship Him.

2. Hormonal -- I have a lot of trouble with hormonal fluctuations due to endometriosis. I wish there was a cure, for now we are trying various things to control it.

3. Grateful Heart -- I am grateful for the people in my life. Tony, Caryl, Susan, Tracey, Jae, Keith, Amie, Lourinda, Val, Mickey, Clay ... the list goes on and on. Also, my two cats bring laughter to me when I am down.

4. Music -- I love to sing, I love to touch people through music. Oftentimes if I cannot speak how I feel, a melody or song can externalize it for me.

5. Loyal -- I am very loyal to my friends and family. Sometimes too loyal.

Why do Good Things Make Me Cry?

I just got off the phone with a man who has been a friend for about 4 years. He's a lawyer. I called him for free legal advice because he's smart. He hooked in a friend of his who is an expert on the matter I was calling him about. Within minutes I had the legal verbal ammo that I need to present tomorrow night at the meeting about my screen door.

But more than that, I know that if the battle that is fought tomorrow night isn't a "win", they will rally behind me with a "lawyer letter."

After chit chatting for about a minute and an abrupt ending (hey, he's a busy man and I like abrupt phone calls, regardless), I hung up the phone and was all choked up. Why? I got what I needed, legal support, emotional support ...

Why am I so stunned when my friends support me? Why do I get emotional when someone comes through for me? How did I come to believe I am so alone? Intellectually, I know that I am never alone. But, it seems my heart has trouble believing that.

Proverbs 3:
³ Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
⁴ Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

Blessed to Live In America.

Yesterday, I watched the Oprah show (Link). She, through video, went around the world and stepped into lives of 30-ish women, to find out how they live. What are their luxuries or greatest heartaches.

In Kuwait, natives live in posh homes and shop their days away. Their wedding gift from the government is $12,000 and their college is paid for. The only drawback is that women can't vote.

In South Korea, the women were extremely shy and reticent. Laughing softly, giggling really, covering their mouths. Their interviewer said it was really difficult to get the women to talk openly about their culture. Something like 80% of 30 year old Korean women have had plastic surgery on their face, attempting to make their eyes more round, like Western women. Being a parent is really big to them, as well.

In Iraq, the women live in fear of death. Many women do not come out of their homes for days on end because they are afraid of being shot for their existence. They have limited and regulated electricity, on two hours, off two hours. They own shotguns and know how to use them. Many are addicted to valium. No prescription is required and it costs about $.20 per bottle. The benefit of using valium is it allows them not to care about their situation.

In Cuba, divorce is rampant. By the time a woman is 30 it is not uncommon to have been divorced three times and have had four abortions (they're free). Divorce costs less than $5 (if both parties agree) and is done in front of a notary. The common wage is $23 per month, but the government covers some food, college and medical. Doctors live in the same cramped, non-private style that dancers or waiters do.

In Mexico, Oprah interviewed a woman who is a TV star. She said that it is placed upon women to be sexy, wear tight fitting skirts and high-heeled shoes. The reason for that is because if the husband strays, he can claim that his wife didn't satisfy him and therefore it's her fault that he strayed. The result is that she will get no financial support.

In Rowanda, women are recovering from the war that wiped out nearly 1 million of them 10 years ago. The woman they interviewed watched 16 of her family members get slaughtered. When it came to be her turn, they raped her repeatedly, so much so that they were too tired to kill her. It was then that she escaped. She now has a 10 year old son (from the rape) and three children (orphans from the war) that she is raising.

Oprah asked her how it was that she has been able to move forward and gain peace in her life, and look at the blessings instead of the past. Her answer was "I gave my life to Christ."

Encouragement From Above.

Last night I came home distraught and discouraged. (Link to my daily blog for explanation.)

I wondered to myself if I am doing the right thing. It seemed so when I started this. I prayed to God several nights, asking Him if this is what I should be doing. In response, I received encouragement from one neighbor and two friends. So, I started this immense and overwhelming project.

I was so discouraged last night, I can't even begin to articulate. I walked in the door and just wanted to cry. In fact, I did cry to God in prayer. Asking Him to show me, again, if this is what I should be doing. It would be so easy just to give up and give in.

As I did my devotions last night, God brought this verse to my attention:

2 Chronicles 20
¹⁷ You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.

This morning as I readied for church, I turned on the Christian radio station and the pastor was speaking on how we all have been down and discouraged. And, as I turned to my morning devotions, the same verse that the radio pastor had quoted for the foundation of his message was the first verse listed for my meditation:

Deuteronomy 31
⁸ The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

The Lord does seem to have a pattern in my life of repeating himself three times when I've asked Him for guidance. I wonder what his purpose in this is. It is, after all, just a silly door. What could God possibly be hoping to achieve by having me go door-to-door in my neighborhood?